Reasons Why
by The Trix Rabbit
Summary: "Alec. Not Alexander, he hasn't been Alexander for a long time. Alexander was the boy Magnus seemed to find captivating enough to keep. Alec was a chore. Maybe whatever amazing trait that Alec seemed to possess the first few weeks, months, years that they've been together was gone. Maybe that's why he wasn't loved anymore. Maybe that's why he didn't matter anymore." MPreg/COLS
1. Reason One

**A/N: All characters belong to Cassie Clare, yadda yadda yadda... I'm taking out my malec angst right now, don't even judge me. F U PAGE 511!**

They were fighting. It was normal, in those days. Alec asked a question that dug too deep, too fast into Magnus' past. Magnus' response was always to tell his Shadowhunter boyfriend that he was his future, the past doesn't matter, all the bullshit to deter Alec from the subject.

"Magnus! I just wanted to know who you're first boyfriend was. Is that so bad?" Alec demanded., hands crossed angrily across a muscled chest. Magnus rolled his stunningly green eyes that Alec once thought exotic and mysterious, but now just seemed pretentious and judging. It was unsettling to think about the fact that the eyes that once screamed home and love now just seemed mocking and cruel.

"Yes, it is Shadowhunter. Why does it matter who I've been with? Have I not told you day after day you're the only one I see?" Magnus' voice wasn't impatient, not angry, not exasperated, just _bored. _

_Bored. _Alec realized that no matter how young and lithe Magnus' body was, he was well over 500, and maybe, just maybe that all this fighting was childish and petty in the Warlock's eyes. That no matter how pressing this issue of knowing absolutely nothing about the Warlock except what he's seen is to Alec, it will never be to Magnus.

Alec opened his mouth to say something, the angry flush that rushed through his face faded into the regular, _boring, _pale skin tone that Alec despised. Alec flickered his eyes up from the messy kitchen counter to Magnus' face.

It was no less breathtaking to Alec than on the first day they met. It didn't not make Alec's heart beat wildly, no matter which unflattering angle he was looking at. But there was something different. Magnus' face just looked _dull._ Not dull as in looks, of course. Alec could look all day and not find anything wrong with that beautiful face.

But dull as in _bored. _His eyes had no traces of that teasing shine that Alec fell for. It was still green, like the brightest emeralds. But it had none of the loving warmth that blinked back at Alec whenever they locked eyes. Only boredom. The lips that were rarely not quirked up in a small half-smile pulled his face into a frown.

And that's when Alec realized with a flash of recognition what that expression was. That crease between two perfectly angled eyebrows and the slight annoyed scrunch of a tall, graceful nose was only found when the Warlock had a particularly large pile of paperwork on his desk. Or when he saw the dishes that piled up in the sink that he hadn't bothered to clean yet.

He was a chore. Being with Alec was a chore, and it _hurt._ Gone were the days of teasing kisses against his neck, or a slim polished hand creeping under his sleep shirt. They slept in the same bed, but Magnus faced the wall on the furthest corner of the bed, even if their bed was a California King. Alec slept with his back facing Magnus', a giant awkward expanse of Canary yellow bed sheet between them.

"Are you going to say something, _Alec, _or are you going to continue to stare at me like your IQ is as low as that idiot brother of yours?" Magnus' voice was quiet, snarky and sarcastic. It sent shivers down Alec's frame.

_Alec. _Not Alexander, he hasn't been Alexander for a long time. Alexander was the boy Magnus seemed to find captivating enough to keep. Alec was a chore. Maybe whatever amazing quality that Alec seemed to possess the first few weeks, months, years that they've been together was gone. Maybe that's why he wasn't loved anymore. Maybe that's why he didn't matter anymore.

Alec's eyes shone with tears, fiercely tearing his eyes away from Magnus, it hurt too much. "I'm just going to go." His words sounded pathetic and broken even to his own ears.

"Bye." Then the Warlock stormed out of their kitchen, and seconds later the door to their bedroom snapped close with a bang. Then the sound of the door locking. He wasn't welcome there anymore. Not when Magnus was in there.

"Bye." Alec whispered feebly to no one. He looked up at the walls, all decorated with pictures of their happy years. Their kiss on the Eiffel Tower. The accidental picture Isabelle took when they were both laughing at some inside joke. All the happy memories that stuck out in Alec's heart as his most treasured moments.

Soon the walls were closing in on him, the pictures that once were picked up from their place on the wall to be smiled at, laughed at, to be remembered were now gathering dust. His clothes felt too tight, the ceiling too low and their laughing faces too painful, too mocking.

It's happening. He can't breathe and his stunning blue eyes that haven't been very stunning for a long time are bulging. He clutched his hands to his skull and just focuses on breathing. When the walls aren't spinning and the feeling in his chest that his heart is gonna burst is gone, he's fine. Or as close to fine as he's going to get.

Casting one more saddened glance at the bedroom door, he runs. He runs and runs till he can't feel his feet and his head is spinning. He's in Central Park. He's at _their _bench. Or what used to be their bench that they haven't visited to talk or eat a bagel or complain about last season's Louis Vuitton and how it doesn't look half as good as this seasons. Or something endearing like that.

He sat down, palms feeling itchy and his lungs are breathing in the crisp fall air that did nothing to calm his racing heart.

Alec sits down and his stomach suddenly lurches painfully. It's the kind of pain that drives Alec wild, the kind that you can do nothing for, just a kicking sensation against his stomach. If Magnus was here he'd magic it away with a snap of his fingers and a "I love you, Alexander." But he's not Alexander, he's Alec.

These moments of pain were common in Alec's life. As a Shadowhunter, he was used to pain. But since he met Magnus, all those annoying aches and pains were gone. Magnus still healed him after a fight, but he had caused the biggest injury of all: his heart. Once was a happy, fluttery heart adorned with copious amounts of glitter now had jagged scars and tears. It was imperfect, just like Alec.

Rubbing his stomach in a soothing manner, he took in the scenery of the little playground. Little kids with scraped up knees and bright futures in front of them ran playfully through the swings and slides. It still hurt to look at children, after Max. Each smiling face just sent his heart lurching painfully,reminding him that Max's smile was just as adorable, just as real. But it's not. Max was dead. Because he was imperfect. He couldn't protect him.

His heart relaxed to a dull ache instead of the incessant, pounding constricted pain he felt whenever he thought of Magnus and the fact that he was slowly being pulled away from him and Alec couldn't do anything to stop it.

The little boys and girls looked so peaceful, so happy. That the biggest problem in their life was not being able to reach the monkey bars. Alec longed to be a kid, a normal mundie kid. Because even as a kid, when you're a Shadowhunter, you have obligations. You have worries, and Alec can't help but feel he missed out on something. Something important.

Alec swallowed thickly, blinking back tears. He wouldn't cry. He's strong. He's a Shadowhunter. He's not weak. He's not weak.

But the tears are streaming down faster and faster till his vision is blurred and his throat's swollen and constricted. He's losing Magnus. He lost Max. He lost his parents the day he told them he was gay. He had no one. He was alone. His siblings haven't bothered to even contact him through the year he was gone. With each passing day, he missed them. To each passing day, he waited for a phone call, a door bell, anything. With each passing day, there was nothing. Everyone seemed happy, everyone seemed to be leaving Alec behind in the dust.

Feeling thankful that mundanes couldn't see him bawling like a baby, he stood up. His stomach had yet to stop hurting, and he had no where to go. Magnus' apartment wasn't an option.

The Institute. He missed his Parabatai and his sister. He even missed Clary, no matter how much he told himself he didn't. Simon as well. But his parents were just a cruel reminder of how much he screwed up.

He screwed up his relationship with Magnus. He screwed up protecting Max. He screwed up being a shadowhunter. He screwed being straight. He screwed up being _Alexander. _

Alexander was who he wanted to be. He was charming, and funny, if a bit prickly at times. He was protective of his loved ones, even if he went a bit over board sometimes. He was who Magnus fell in love with, he was happy.

Alec is who he is now. He's fiercely insecure, shy, and awkward. He's boring, he's antisocial, and he dresses in baggy sweaters that look like he just pulled them out of a dumpster. He's lost, and no one can find him. No one wants to find him. He's a screw up. He's not worth anybody's time. His worst nightmare had happened: Magnus realized all these things before he could hide them.

Because he's Alec. He's a fuck-up excuse of a Shadowhunter, a brother, a boyfriend, a son.

* * *

Jace. It still hurt to even mention the name of his adopted brother sometimes. Hurts to know that he so foolishly followed him around like a lost puppy for years he could have been loving Magnus with all his heart. But still, he's his parabatai. He loves him, loves to protect him.

"Alec." The statement wasn't a question, or of surprise. Just recognition. His brother looked no less as perfect or as blonde as he last seen him. "Hey, Jace." Alec whispered back, hoping his voice didn't sound as broken as he felt.

It did, of course. Alec was never good at covering his emotions. "Well, it's been a while, eh bro?" Jace's eyes showed none of the playful jesting his lips did. It had been a while. Ever since his parents unofficially kicked him out almost a year ago, he hasn't been back to his childhood home.

"Yeah." He stuttered out, voice breaking again. "Look, I'm sorry Jace, I'll just go-"

Jace cut him off immediately. "No! Alec, you're my parabatai, I haven't seen you in a fucking year and I have no fucking reason why. Was it me, Alec? Was it Clary? What the fuck caused you to leave your damn family, your damn brother?" Jace yelled furiously.

Alec flinched back at the tone. "I didn't leave, damn it Jace! I thought you of all people who know that! I gave this family everything! And I fucking get kicked out." Alec screamed back, eyes flashing with anger.

Jace raised a single blond eyebrow. "Come in. You're explaining everything to me. I missed you Alec. We all did." Except your parents, Alec added mentally.

The Institute looked no different than the last time he was there. Same pretentious air of elegance. Same feeling he got in his stomach of "This isn't where I belong. Never going to fit in here." Nothing changed. No one seemed affected by Alec's absence. Not even Church paid him a second glance. He really didn't matter to anybody, did he?

Turning his corner to the familiar hallway of his room, his heart jumps to his throat, blocking any speech from coming out. There are too many memories here.

"C'mon Alec. Isabelle and Clary are out today. They'll be back later. They're going to be so happy. Hopefully." Jared said then grinned that smile that 16-year-old Alec would catalog as the most beautiful thing he ever saw.

He took a deep breath and turned the handle to his room. There, in monotone colors of grey, dark forest green, black was his room. It was an ironic metaphor of his life without Magnus. The colors of his life still continued in a ridiculous stream of boring, boring, boring. Then Magnus came and color, and life and happiness wove through, pushing away the insecurity, the hurt, the inadequacy. Then it was gone, and the pristine boring-ness was all that's left.

Sitting down on the too clean, too gray bed, Alec looks around. The raggedy sweaters still folded neatly on the chair, with no glittery garments thrown carelessly on top of it. No bright flashes of color dotting the room. Just plain, depressed, muted colors that were Alec's life.

Alexander's room, however was the perfect mix of color and darkness. Where there was insecurity and sadness, was Magnus' color and happiness overpowering it. But Alexander was dead, and Alec was the empty shell that no longer held that quality that Magnus stayed for.

The sad part is, of course, Magnus isn't gone, not physically at least. He's there, he's always there where Alec can see him, can see him forgetting about him. Can see him drifting further and further away. And that's what hurts the most. Because he's too weak to pull Magnus back.

Jace hopped up on the wooden, mahogany (boring!) desk. "So, Alec. I'm going against my better judgment and not kicking your ass for leaving us without a word. I called you. I called Magnus. I went to Magnus' apartment like everyday. I fucking thought you died. So explain, bitch." Jace's eyes were turning into a warm golden shade, that did nothing to calm the nervousness in Alec.

Then the nervousness died down to nothing. Just numbness. No feelings, no emotion. Just boring. Then through the gray expanse of nothing that was his heart, there was anger. There was anger, red and apparent.

"Are you fucking kidding me Jace? I got kicked out. I fucking got kicked out by mom and dad. I told them I was thinking of fucking marrying Magnus, and they told me to get out. That I was a failure, that none of you loved me anyways. I didn't even fucking know you called me, or Magnus for that matter. I thought you left me. I thought you didn't care." Alec's chest was heaving after he lets it all out, and the anger is slowly fading.

He doesn't want it to fade, though. It's red and ugly but it's not boring. It may make him an asshole, but he'd rather be an asshole than be forgotten.

Jace's hand tightened on the desk, shock and anger evident on his face. "Alec, mom and dad kicked you out? They told us you left. Said you didn't care about this family anymore. We gave up after six months to contact you. Isabelle thought you were dead. She didn't believe it. She and I went to Magnus' apartment everyday but you were never there. Magnus didn't tell us anything." Jace said, voice passionate and angry.

"They told you... Magnus never told me you came to see me. He saw me cry myself to sleep for a fucking year thinking you all forgot about me and didn't say anything." Alec's voice was monotone, not revealing any of the anger and hurt that made him dizzy.

"I'm sorry Alec." Jace's voice did sound sorry, for once.

Then silence. Silence was Alec's friend. Silence hid the problems bursting to the surface between him and Magnus. Silence stopped Alec from yelling and screaming and hitting until Magnus saw him again. Looked at him like he's Alexander, not Alec. Boring, boring Alec.

It hid the hurt between the parabatai easily. "Alec, I had no idea. No idea that our paren- _they_ could do something like that." Jace's voice was quiet, and it was rather unusual to see his usually so boisterous parabatai so soft-spoken.

Alec resisted the urge to snort. Of course not. Suddenly the fateful reunion he imagined for himself was slowly becoming bitter with his anger. "I called you everyday, Jace. I called you and Isabelle everyday. Why didn't you pick up? Why didn't you fucking pick up? I needed you, Jace. I fucking needed you!" Alec damn near sobbed, arms throwing up to cover his face. He was going to cry. He was going to cry in front of the person he wanted to be strong for. To be strong with.

Jace felt helpless, to say the least. He didn't know what to do when Clary cried, or when Isabelle cried, or when, apparently, Alec cried. It sent his heart in an angry frenzy, his parabatai rune pulsing painfully. "Alec, I didn't get any of your calls. I think they did something to our phones so we couldn't call you, and we couldn't get your calls. I'm so sorry Alec. Do you want me to call Isabelle? She should be home anyways, it's getting kind of late." Jace tried his best to placate his best friend, voice soft but mind fuming.

His parents did this. Made Alec this mess in front of him, ruined his family. It sent angry tizzies of hurt into his brain. He was sick of being betrayed, of being hurt by the people that are supposed to love him.

Alec's stunning blue eyes still were being hidden by his pale arms. He nodded slowly, though, and Jace smiled.

He called Isabelle, told her Alec was here and she hung up impatiently. "She'll be here in 5 minutes. Be prepared for a moody bitch on your case, man." Jace joked pathetically, listening intently to the giant calming breaths Alec was taking.

In a couple of minutes, Alec uncovered his eyes that were still slightly red and teary. "Jace. I missed you. A lot changed in a year, man." Alec's voice still sounded unsure and shaky. Jace nodded his agreement and jumped slightly when the door was flung open to see a frantic Isabelle.

She looked around the room furiously, before her eyes zeroed in on her brother on the bed. "Alec!" Then she pounced, tackling her brother to the bed. "You. Little. Bitch. Ass. Mother. Fucker. DO YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOU FUCKING PUT ME THROUGH? What you put this family through?" She was pounding furiously on his chest, tears ruining her mascara till they tracked down her beautiful face.

She was full on sobbing, eyes scrunched shut and nose running. "Alec. Alec." She kept repeating in disbelief, or sadness, or even anger. And in 20-20 hindsight, Jace realizes this was the ugliest she's ever seen her. Not that he'd ever tell her that.

Alec just took it. Hands encircled Isabelle's wrists gently. "I'm sorry, Isabelle. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Alec repeated back, and Jace felt that surge of anger again.

"Izz, it's not Alec's fault. Our dear mother and father kicked him out for wanting to get married to Magnus. Fucking ruined everything. Couldn't get out calls, and we couldn't get his. They fucked us over, forced us to forget you, Alec. We never did, though. You're my brother, I love you." Jace explained angrily, causing Isabelle's eyes to snap open to meet Jace's golden ones.

"They.. They... Alec. I'm never fucking talking to them again. I'm leaving. I'm fucking leaving." Isabelle proclaimed suddenly, getting off Alec, but still held his hand tightly. Make sure he doesn't leave again.

"No, Izzy. You need parents. Don't cut them out- not because of me." Alec said sadly, and Jace rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, we all need parents. But those people," Jace spat that part, "are not my fucking parents. What kind of fucking parent does that to their kid, huh?"

Isabelle nodded, "Yeah, Alec. I thought you were dead. I thought you were fucking dead. And they just stood and watched us cry for you, Alec. Watched us go looking for you every fucking day. What kind of fucking parent does that, huh?" She demanded angrily.

Alec shakily nodded, not really knowing what to say. Slowly, though, his heart began to heal a couple of the long, jagged scars. His siblings loved him. Still cared for him. He was happy.

"I missed you both so much, it's unreal." Alec whispered, secretly hating how weak he sounded.

"Missed you too, asshole. So tell me, did you get married to that warlock without letting me choose your dress?" Isabelle snarked playfully, not realizing the error in her words. She could see her brother blinking rapidly, blinking away the tears. She frowned, what had she said?

Alec just shook his head repeatedly. "Things.. things haven't been the same with Magnus, Isabelle." he said quietly.

"What the fuck does that mean, Alec? Is that son-of-a-bitch hurting you?" Jace demanded, eyes blazing. Alec snorted internally, '_Magnus hurting me? More like me hurting Magnus.'_

"No, Jace. We're just. We're just... I don't know Jace but I just don't think he loves me anymore." Alec said softly, tears threatening to spill forth again.

It was Isabelle who spoke first. "Is that what that Downworlder said, Alec? That he didn't love you?"

Alec just shook his head furiously. "We fight. He won't tell me anything about his past and I can see him fucking flirting with other people and he's forgetting about me and Oh my god, he's going to leave me. He's going to fucking leave me, just like he left the fucking billions of other people he's been with." Alec babbled pathetically, tears already dripping down.

Jace growled. "I'm so fucking sorry Alec, that you fell in love with that kind of fucking douchebag." He spat and Alec snapped.

"Don't fucking call him that. He's perfect, I'm the one that's screwed up. I screwed up everything. I fucking killed my own damn brother, I'm fucking losing the person I love most, I haven't killed a demon till I was 18, the list just goes fucking on and on. Don't, though. Don't ever blame my fuck ups on Magnus." Alec said venomously, eyes blazing with anger. He stared at his dumbfounded but strangely pitiful looking friends, his anger slipped out of him just as fast as it came.

"Oh, Alec. None of that was your fault, none of us blame you for any of that. We love you, Alec. And you didn't fucking kill Max. Never fucking say that." Isabelle said sharply. Alec blinked up at her. It felt good, to say the least, to hear that someone actually loves a fuck up like him. Doesn't excuse the fact that he _is _a fuck up.

"Yeah, Alec. None of that shit was 'cause of you." Jace agreed, eyes genuine and open. No sense of lie or deceit in the golden orbs.

"I guess." His voice was flat, monotone. Just like his life. Suddenly, he felt tired. Sleepy. His head was slowly leaving his body, arms and legs limp. He felt dizzy.

Then the stomach pain was back. It started with a mere soft pressure against his lower back, then grew. It grew so painful so fast, leaving the entire lower part of his body numb with pain. His eyes glazed over, unseeing his sister's lips calling his name repeatedly and his brother's eyes flash with worry. Didn't see anything but blackness. "Alec. Alec. Alec!"

With the thought of his sister and brother, Alec hoped for the best. Then his eyes shut.\

**A/N 2: Yeah, thanks for reading. Reviews=Love (and faster updates soo... wink)**


	2. Reason Two

**A/N: Ahh you guys are amazing! Thanks for the reviews and the favorites and the follows. To be honest, I'm kind of disappointed in this story. I feel like I'm making Alec so OOC it's crazy. Anyways thanks so much for the reviews and enjoy this chapter :)**

**Oh and If you're ever wondering when the next chapter is going to come out, check the story update section in my profile :)**

The room was spinning, blurry and undefined in Alec's eyes. He could slowly make out shapes, colors and soon he had a faceful of something blond. '_Jace.' _Alec immediately recognized. Soon, the fuzzy confusedness morphed into panic. What happened?

"Jace!" Alec shot up quickly, effectively bumping his head into Jace's on the way. He felt nauseous, and he wasn't sure if it was because he sat up so quickly or the incessant stomach pain he was feeling.

"Ouch, man! God! You messed up my hair..." Jace grumbled unhappily, a gentle hand coming up to pet a tuft of blond hair lovingly. Alec watched him for a couple seconds, before leaning back onto the headboard. He snorted as Jace started 'apologizing' to his hair, causing Jace to jokingly snap his head up to glare.

"You did this!" Alec's parabatai cried accusingly, jabbing a finger into Alec's chest. Alec laughed, rolling his eyes, ignoring the sudden painful lurch in his stomach. He however, didn't realize he didn't cover his wince as well as he thought he did. Jace frowned, squinting down at Alec worriedly.

"Crap, sorry! I forgot you're a cripple right now, cripple." Jace's eyes glinted mischievously, but his mouth held that worried frown that Alec couldn't get used to no matter how much he saw it. He's worried about him. He cares about him. He didn't forget about him. He's loved. He's _loved. _It sent his heart beating happily instead of the awkward pulsating jumps it was used to taking.

"I'm not a cripple, you donkey. Where's Isabelle?" Alec asked, his eyes shifting through the room, realizing where he was. The Infirmary. Same dreary gray walls mimicking that of a mundie hospital. Same hard bed he spent days in after hunts that went a little sour. He sighed, he hated this room. It smelled like death and tears and Lysol. He missed the sandalwood smell mixed with cinnamon and manly musk that was Magnus.

Magnus. Shit. He probably didn't even care that Alec hadn't been home. Probably didn't even notice. Not to mention the fact that not only did he hide important details of _his _life, he hid important details about Alec's life. That the fact that his siblings still want him in their lives was still new and fresh in Alec's mind. It still put all the fears and insecurities of his family to rest. Somewhat. And yet, the fact that Magnus knew the fact that they cared for him and didn't tell him made him angry. Not that he had any right to be angry. Alec wasn't sure if he could ever trust that Warlock again.

And he felt like an ungrateful little brat for it. Because he was Magnus, flawless Magnus. And he was Alec.

He looked up to see Jace's lips moving with words. "Wait, sorry Jace can you start over. I zoned out."

Jace blinked up at him. "Yeah I was just saying how Isabelle went to get Clary. Oh, crap I was supposed to tell them you woke up.." He trailed off looking around the room.

"Who? Tell who?" Alec asked, snapping his fingers in front of Jace's eyes till they blinked back at him curiously.

"Brother Zachariah, man. A lot has happened since you passed out last night." Alec looked confused, but didn't say anything. " Well for starters, they have no freaking clue what's wrong with you. Oh and, _they _came home like half an hour ago." Jace's words were bitter when talking about his adopted parents. Alec knew immediately which people Jace was talking about.

"Anyways, I don't like to dwell on things not worth my time, so cripple, what's wrong with you?" Jace asked bluntly, changing subjects quickly when he saw the shadowing darkness coming up Alec's face at the mention of their 'parents'.

"Stop calling me cripple, you ass." Alec snapped half-meaning it. He was thankful for a friend like Jace. Without his siblings, he would be nothing. He would be nothing but a ridiculously insecure boy in an ugly sweater.

"Yes, I do have an ass. And it's a sexy, perky one." Jace grinned maniacally, turning around on his heels with an extravagant _swoosh. "_Look at it. C'mon Alec... Look at it." Jace enticed mock-seductively, shaking his behind side-to-side, and Alec could _hear_ his eyebrows wagging playfully.

"Saggy. Very saggy." Alec said in a rather pondering voice, like it was a medical breakthrough, or something fascinating. Jace turned around with an annoyed mug on his golden tan face.

"Hey! Don't be so jealou-" Jace's words were cut off by a soft yet strangely abrasive knock on the door. Alec shifted his gaze slowly, almost too slow to the door. He knew who it was without even looking.

His parents. Not a thing had changed about either of them. Same chilling gaze. Same mouth pressed into a thin line of shame and disgust. Same, same, same. They stood in the doorway, proud and secure, but he could tell it was all a sham. Perhaps a _fag_ like Alec in the Institute was an abomination. Perhaps they still want him out.

He opened his mouth to say something, anything, to ask them why, to tell them to leave. But his breath caught in his throat, and he's weak. He's dizzy, his stomach feels like a boulder is being dropped on it repeatedly, and he can't deal with anything.

"Get out." Jace beat him to it, and his gaze shifted from they people he tried so hard to please for 18 years. 18 years of not feeling good enough, of not feeling like he was worth it. 18 years of rage, of sadness, of tears. But also 18 years of family, of happiness, of laughter.

"Jace, please." His mother spoke first, hand reaching out to touch her children, as if to pull herself towards them. His father looked disgruntled at best, bored. It was a foreign look on his father's face, and Alec was disgusted at himself for thinking that face looked better on Magnus.

His brother had the same fiery, intense gaze he had on the battlefield. The golden eyes seemed to almost have a glow, like that of a candle flame. His hair fanned out above his eyes, some strands falling into them that he hadn't bother to move. He looked fierce, like a bull about to charge. Alec's heart beat erratically, wanting to stand up and pull Jace back. Wanting to protect and stand in front of him, like the old days. _'Except you're weak. You couldn't even protect a dead squirrel right now.'_ A bitter, angry part of Alec intoned mockingly.

Looking back into the eyes of his mother and father, he wished he could feel something. He wished he could feel angry for pulling his siblings away from him. He wished he could feel sad, or maybe hurt that the people that were supposed to love him unconditionally didn't. He wished he could feel something, anything then the cold dread and nothingness that he did.

He craved the adrenaline pulsing through his veins as he gets angry. He missed it. He hated this hollow feeling, it made him feel inhuman and broken and weak. He wished he could be like Jace or Izzy, always _feeling _and _loving _and _hurting _and _smiling._

He hated how so many people hid their emotions in masks of nonchalance, trying to hide what makes them human, not a shell. He hated it because he wishes he could feel those things again. He wishes he could allow himself to feel those things. But he can't. No matter how hard he tries, he can't. Can't feel anything but emptiness and vacancy. Completely depleted of any sort of emotion.

And maybe that's why Magnus is forgetting about him. Magnus, with his sparkly personality and even sparklier clothes. Why would he want something as boring and worthless as Alec? His empty eyes that see everything in a dark hue, the polar opposite of Magnus' green-yellow eyes that saw the good in everything. Saw the good in Alec. Magnus was perfect right down to the last sequin adorned on that tall, lean yet muscular body. And Alec, was _Alec. _

His parents were slowly coming closer to his bed, he realized. He couldn't do much except cower back into the stiff, stained pillow behind him. He saw Jace's muscled back through the thin white t-shirt tense in anticipation. He felt sick to his stomach (again) to think he made his brother turn on his own parents. To realize that without him, the Lightwood family would be happy. The light seemed too bright against the dark atmosphere that his parents brought in.

"Alexander." His mother again, her hair had grown a few more gray strands than when he last seen her. She still has the same tall, thin nose and angled cheekbones. She still looks just like Isabelle. She did look genuinely worried, but she also looked genuinely disgusted with _fags_ like him.

So Alec doesn't say anything. Doesn't do anything but tilt his head up in greeting, or confusion, or even anger and defiance. His lips pressed together in a tight line, daring her to speak first. Daring her to give him a reason, to-... to-... Then the anger is gone again. It's his fault. It's his fault he's gay. His fault he fell in love with a man. A warlock man. No wonder his parents hate him. He hate's _himself. _How can he expect anyone to love him?

"Alexander, sweetie." His mother pleaded, and he isn't sure what for. For forgiveness? Probably not. Maybe to talk, maybe to get Jace to stop looking at her like she shot his puppy.

But he doesn't know what to say. He wanted to cry, and sleep, and cry some more. He wanted to go home. He wanted to press his face in Magnus' pillow and breathe it in until he calmed down like a teenager getting his drug fix from an aerosol can. He doesn't want to talk to his parents, doesn't want to feel like a screw up, doesn't want Jace and Izzy to care about him. Not when they don't seem to understand what a screw up he is.

But he can't do any of those things. So he talks. Or tries to. But all he can get out are chokes and gasps and huffs and puffs. His lips are forming the shapes of the words, but he cant cough them out. He tried and tried but he can't. He's too weak. He can't do anything right, can't even talk. Then he sees his father's face. It's disgusted and distrusting. Crowfeet at the corners of his eyes that Alec never noticed the last time they saw each other pulled back till his eyes were in a squint. If looks could kill, Alec would be six feet under.

"Living another year with that Warlock made you a mute?"He spat out and oh-my-god it's going to happen. He saw that hateful glare and its going to happen. He's going to have a panic attack in front of the people he wanted so desperately to be strong for.

He tried to focus on breathing, to close his eyes and only see darkness but he can't. His breaths are shallow and quick, he's hyperventilating and it's going to happen. He closes his eyes and all he can see is them laughing hatefully at him. Cruel laughter and pointed fingers.

Then he feels a palm on his shoulder, warm and comforting and his eyes pop open. Jace. "Get out. Alec doesn't need you in his life and neither do I. You're no longer my parents. You've never been Alec's. Out! Get out!" Jace's voice was still honey-sweet and perfect even when his voice rose to a loud spiteful crescendo. Alec was jealous. Jace was the perfect son. He was something he could never be: straight, and strong, and not a fuck up.

"Stop, Jace." His voice was breathless and soft, almost feminine and he hated it. Hated it so much it made his head spin. Jace snapped his warm eyes to his, and his jaw is still open, revealing a line of straight pearly teeth. He's panting, and Alec just wants to pull him down to rest. Wants to protect him, but he can't.

His mother is looking hopefully at him, and his father is already halfway out the room, but froze at Alec's soft words. "Yes, honey?"She implored, eyes shining with concern and optimism, a giant contradiction just like their relationship. She seemed to love him, yet kicked him out. Her eyes looked genuine, but she hates fags. Hates him.

And Alec can't bring himself to look at her. Can't do anything, can't feel anything. He's confused. He has so many questions he needs answers to, and his head is twirling trying to think of which to ask. He settles for "What do you want from me?" His voice sounds clearer, not as soft but you could still hear his pain, could still hear his weakness.

Those eyes. Alec's a true believer in the eyes are the windows to the soul. They never lie. No matter how much sickening sweet lies that spill forth from Magnus' mouth, his alluring eyes never lied to Alec. He could take one look into those eyes and he would know. No love or admiration or even platonic liking to be found. Just boredom. And he wished he could believe those lies, so he could be happy. Would rather deceive himself with Magnus' lies than slowly have his heart broken.

He wanted Magnus to break up with him, sometimes. Because Alec could never. But if Magnus did, then Alec could convince himself that Magnus would be happier and then he could go watch bad movies and eat Ben and Jerry's and get over him. Even if he won't. Because Alec wouldn't get over Magnus. Not in ten years, not in twenty. Not ever. But he could pretend. He could do it. He wanted to believe is own lies, but he fucked that up too.

"Alec, you're my son. I just wanted to make sure you're okay." And Alec wants to cry because he wants to believe so bad. He longs to believe, to let her back in into his heart, but he can't. There's a wall, barely standing but there. He can't.

"Then why did you kick him out? Why do you think he's a failure? If he was your _anything_ you wouldn't do those things." Jace was angry. Alec didn't like it when Jace was angry. It made him feel helpless and nervous, like being locked in a cage with a lion with no weapon. He wanted Jace to smile and tease him and let Alec bitch and moan at him.

"Jace!" His father's voice. It was no less terrifying than he remembered. Perhaps more. "Do _not_ disrespect your elders. Especially not for _that." _And there it is. Jace's gasp was accompanied by his mother's. He didn't know what to do except take a deep shaky breath and clutch the rough, grainy blanket tighter in his hand, then let go.

"Robert!" Maryse hissed angrily, giving him a vicious look. It would be too easy to believe his mother. To believe she still sees him as a son, but things are still too broken. Alec couldn't look at her face without remembering her words.

"_Alexander, sweetheart. You can stop this. You don't love him, not really. Choose a nice girl, settle down. Be like Jace, you don't need this lifestyle to be happy."_

"_Alexander! You don't love him. I know you don't. As if my son was a fag." A snort. "You're just confused."_

"_Alexander, this stopped being funny months ago. Is it because you want attention? Well you have it, so give it up. You're. Not. A. Fag." But he is. He is a fag. _

"_Alexander, Alexander, Alexander. You're my eldest son, I'm so disappointed in you. Why did you have to come out like this? What did I do wrong?"_

_But mom, you didn't do anything wrong. It was all me. I'm the fag. I'm the disappointment. Don't blame yourself, it's not your fault. But I love him, mother. I really do. He's so special to me, you have no idea. I want to marry him, mom. He means so much to me. I love him. I love him. _

"_Get out. Get out. You're not my son. Marry him? You think god would approve of this 'marriage'? You- You- Abomination. Get out. Don't bother saying goodbye to Jace and Isabelle. They never loved you anyways." Never loved you anyways. Never loved you anyways..._

"Maryse, stop pretending like this is okay. Stop pretending you don't feel dirty just being in the same room as him. He's your son, as you've said. Don't lie to him anymore." His father's words are comforting in a sick way. This is what he's used to. He knows how he's supposed to feel to this. He's supposed to feel angry, and sad, and hurt. But why is it he only feels agreement and shame? What's wrong with him?

"That's enough!"Jace lunged at his father, and Alec couldn't look. The sound of a body hitting a wall and his mother's quiet choked sob were enough.

He turned and pressed his face into his pillow, almost jumping off the bed when he feels a soothing hand petting his hair. He knows it's his mother, and he knows that she's probably cringing just touching him. But if he closes his eyes, he can pretend it's Magnus. He can pretend that they're still in Europe and things are happy. Things are good. But they're not and his father's yelling pulls him back and he wants to cry. He was happy. He was happy...

"Jace Lightwood! That's enough. Go to your room, I'll deal with you later. And trust me, kiddo, you won't like it when I do." His father ordered through gritted teeth, the beginnings of a purple, angry bruise resting just above his cheekbones.

"No. Get out." Jace opened the door and looked pointedly at his ex-father, hair disheveled and a bead of sweat forming just above his brow.

"Robert. Just go. Please. For me." His mother pleaded in a rather exasperated voice. He could see him hesitating, and he's scared. He doesn't know what he's scared of, but he is.

And without a word, Robert Lightwood is gone. And he lost two sons and half a wife.

"Alexander. I'm sorry." And she sounded like she was. But every time Alec closes his eyes he sees her angry, ashamed face that he was so used to seeing.

But before he can even formulate a response, Jace is pulling her from her collar until she's standing.

"No you're not. You won't ever be sorry, because you're _scum._" Jace snapped, hand pulling her by the collar gripping it tighter. She let out a whimper, and it was unsettling to see his mother, a terrifying tycoon of a Shadowhunter look so weak. Not that he can judge anyone for being weak.

"No, I-" But Jace is on a roll. Nothing can stop him now.

"You, what? Words can't even describe what I'm feeling right now. You saw Isabelle cry in her room for _days. _You saw her scream and cry for Alec thinking he died. You saw us suffer for a 365 days and all you can say is sorry?!" Jace's voice is cracking, but it's strong. And Alec really needs to cry because he can feel himself bottling up, and he's going to explode.

"I'm sorry. You don't understand-" She tried again, but again, Jace cut her off.

"For once, you're right. I don't understand what kind of _damn _mother puts her children through that kind of pain. You told us he left. That he didn't want this life anymore. But we knew our brother, he would never leave us. He loves us," Jace paused and allowed himself to smile slightly at Alec, and Alec honestly felt better. "But he didn't answer our phone calls, or messages and he was never home whenever we went to the Warlock's apartment. Do you know how worried we all were? You told us you loved him, that you _begged _him to stay. But you're a liar. You're a liar and you're not my mother."

Maryse was crying earnestly, and Alec felt a twinge of guilt and regret. He shouldn't have come back to the Institute. Everyone is hurting because of him. He felt sick, he felt like a criminal.

Jace stared into her crying face for another second, and dropped her carelessly. He wiped his hands on the faded blue jeans as if he just touched something dirty. Alec bit his lip, feeling helpless and scared. Even though Alec knew that what his mother had done in the past was wrong, he can't help but feel sorry for her.

"Alec, are you alright?" Jace looked panicked and Alec isn't sure if he's alright. He feels nauseous, and his head is spinning and he's sure he's losing a bit of color, and the walls still seem too close and his heart is still beating erratically and he just doesn't know.

So he nodded shakily and swallowed thickly. "Jace, go get Isabelle." His voice sounded nothing like himself.

"But Alec-" Jace is confused. Doesn't his Parabatai want him in the room?

"Go!" And with one last hesitant look, Jace stalked out the door with a certain swagger he gets only after a victory. And maybe that's what this all his to Jace, this big game. Maybe he didn't really love Alec, just wanted something to protect, something to show he was tougher.

"Mother." Alec's voice is cold, he doesn't let it warm up, he's too scared. She looked up, tears still tracking down her face and Alec felt sorry for her. Genuinely sorry for her.

"Alec, honey. I'm so sorry. I never meant to make you feel like you didn't- That you weren't normal. I just, things haven't been right between me and your dad, I hope you know that." The implied meaning was there, and Alec doesn't know what to do, or say.

It was always Robert and Maryse Lightwood. They were never separate, their views were together, their lifestyle was totally in sync with the other's They were a power couple, they were the envy of many. To think that things weren't all smooth sailing for them, Alec was confused.

"I know, and I think I know how you feel. But you don't know how I feel, do you?" Alec's voice was shaky and he felt a bit childish. He honestly wanted to hear what his mother had to say to him.

His mother just blinked at him for a moment, her eyebrows strewn together in thought. "I think I do, baby. You think I don't love you."

And that's true, he does think that. So he nodded slowly, prompting her to continue.

"And... You blame me for this entire thing?" She asked, her voice sounding broken and almost a little angry.

"No. I just wonder how you did it. Jace is really mad, Mother. So is Isabelle, and that's the most unforgivable thing in this entire situation. You hurt my siblings. You hurt them, mom." And Alec wanted to feel angry, he wanted to lash out and make her scream and cry and apologize. But he can't, not when he knows this is all his fault.

She shook her head. "I know, I know. Alexander, believe me when I say I know. But I thought, because I didn't think you were ever going to come back, I thought it'd be better to let them think you passed on. It'd be healthier like that."

And still, no fury. Her words fell to seemingly deaf ears. He knows he should be mad, and can see she's expecting him to, but he can't.

"You let my siblings think I died?" Disbelief. That's all that comes out. And she looked scared, which caused a disgusting sort of happiness in Alec. But he knows it's wrong. He should be begging and grovelling for her to love him again.

She swallowed, and her delicate neck is shifting uncomfortably. "I'm so sorry, Alec. Please, just come home. Stay home. You're my son, and I get it now. If you love that Warlock, if he genuinely makes you happy, then it's okay. You can no whatever you like, just _come home." _She's begging and the words are foreign. It was like hearing her speak a whole new foreign language and he still doesn't know what to respond.

She wants him home, and she means the Institute. But the Institute doesn't have Magnus, and Magnus is home. But things aren't going right with Magnus, so he might as well make the best out of nothing. He's going to let Magnus run away anyways, might as well save himself the heartbreak and not be there to watch.

So he nodded. "Okay, mother." And she's smiling through her tears and it honestly gets Alec a little teary eyed. "But don't think this is for you. Jace and Izzy need me, you need their forgiveness as well."

And the smile dims, and he wants to apologize so mad and beg for that smile to come back. But he has to stay strong, for Izzy and Jace.

Then the stomach pain is back and it knocks the breath right out of his lungs. "Mom.. Hurts..." is all he manages to get out, and he's clutching one hand to his heart and the other to his stomach.

"Baby, what's wrong? What hurts?" She's concerned and she's going out of focus and Alec's genuinely scared he might die. Might die before apologizing to Magnus.

"Stomach. Stomach!" He screamed and it's hurting so bad he can't breathe.

She pressed a hand to his stomach and the kicking sensation stopped. "Better?" She asked and her hand doesn't move from Alec's stomach. It's worn thin through days without a proper meal except Pad Thai.

He nodded. It did feel better.

"Any other symptoms?" She asked and she looked panicked and scared, just like Alec.

"Umm.. Headaches, nausea, back pains. That's about it." He listed off to her, and she nodded after each symptom.

"I'm sure it'll pass honey, we just have to wait it out. It probably won't be anything drastic." She told him in an attempt to be soothing. He wasn't sure if it worked.

"ALEC!" Then the door is being pushed open to reveal a disheveled Isabelle with Clary and Jace in tow.

Her eyes narrowed at the woman whose hand still rested on Alec's stomach.

"Isabelle." He said weakly.

"Alec, I was so _worried. _I missed you _so much._" Alec could see what Isabelle was doing, emphasizing words and staring hatefully at her mother.

Where his mother's hand was ruefully brushed off by Isabelle, her hand replaced it. Her hand is softer, more feminine and it's also more welcome, less foreign.

"Isabelle." He pleaded weakly. But she just shushed him. "Shh."

"You. Get out." Isabelle pointed to the door expectantly, and Maryse Lightwood flinched.

"Isabelle, please."

But Isabelle's face was completely devoid of any sort of sympathy, the pair of strong eyebrows settling in an angry straight line and mouth pressed tightly. "Out." And he could see his mother staring from one emotionless face to the other. Jace's, then Clary's then finally his. He looked away.

With a sigh that sounded suspiciously like a sob, she left.

And honestly, Alec felt a huge weight being lifted from his chest. He looked around the room, staring at the faces.

Isabelle looked at him with worry and love. Jace looked at him with brotherly affection and slight apprehension. Then Clary, she looked just as fiery and full of fervor as he remembered. Even Clary, no matter how rude and cruel he was to her, she looked slightly scared with worry and even a hint of happiness to see him.

And Alec really, really feels like crying now. This is his family, these are the people who care about him and love him for him. He was thankful, so thankful. He smiled, and they all smiled back. He really did feel happy staring into a pair of golden eyes, then a pair of green eyes and finally a pair of dark brown ones.

He couldn't help but feel a set of beautiful green-gold eyes were missing.

**A/N 2: Okay so I tried to minimize the swearing in this one, I forget not everyone curses as much as I do hehehe. And I need to get myself a beta, because my spelling and grammar was horrific in this one. I spent seriously 3/4 of the time editing this and there's probably still a bajillion mistakes, if you catch one I'd be mighty obliged to edit it.**

**Oh and Reviews feed the update bunny, just saying! If you feed the update bunny, it writes faster... ;)**


	3. Reason Three

**A/N 1: WARNING: MPREG THEMES ESPECIALLY HIGH HERE. Okay so hopefully ya'll read the summary and already know it's Mpreg, so you won't be squicked out. So honestly, I'm kind of annoyed with myself. This chapter is all over the place, trust me. **

**Oh, and I'm actually debating not having Alec pregnant, just because it's kind of too unrealistic and I can't think of a reasonable explanation why. Will you guys be okay with a pretty unexplained reason to why he is this way? If not, if enough people don't want him preggers I won't make him preggers. If you do want him pregnant, can you give me some reasons why? Thanks :)**

**MAGNUS IS BACK. **

**(Super long Author's note sorry)**

When Alec woke up again, it was dark. It was dark, and he couldn't see anything. The light streaming from the gap between the curtains did nothing to calm his growing unease. He felt fuzzy, as he usually does after waking up. But it was different, in a way. It felt almost unreal, like it was a dream. Was he dead?

Is he in hell? Because there's no way this is heaven. There's no way an abomination like him would make it to heaven. His heart twisted, if this was hell, it sure was a far cry from the eternal burning bullshit his parents fed him. It was almost peaceful, in a somber, depressed way. Like the way Max looked in the casket. He looked asleep, but Alec knew better.

Then things started getting clearer and he realized he wasn't dead. He was still in the Infirmary, and it was weird how he wasn't okay with that. He wasn't okay with being in the Infirmary, wasn't okay with being alive. Death would be too easy. Alec felt like those angsty teenagers he always resented. But he didn't feel like writing sad poetry, or dye his hair or listen to shrieking music. He just wanted to sleep and never wake up.

He sighed, sitting up. He expected the sharp ache that started just at the top of his stomach and reached his pelvic bones in a single zap of pain. But nothing came. He felt normal. Alec bent over and still felt no pain. He leaned forward slightly and still no pain. He tried standing up on shaky legs from misuse and still no pain. He's better?

The Shadowhunter sighed in relief. He was better. Alec took a few steps, feeling a bit like Bambi. Then he sat down again. He wondered what Magnus was doing, if he was missing him, if he was eating well. Then his heart started hurting in that incessant ache that felt like a fog that will never be lifted. Alec pressed a hand to his chest, hoping for it to go away.

It was weird. This entire time, maybe even unconsciously, Alec thought with his stomach pains gone, maybe the pain in his heart would go too. But it didn't, because that would be too merciful.

_Alexander. You have awoken. _A voice shrunk out through the dark clouds already filling Alec's mind. Looking up, Alec saw Brother Zachariah in the typical Silent Brother robes, standing off to the side.

Alec slowly nodded, feeling cautious and a little sick of being in such a cramped quarter. "Did you figure out what's wrong with me?" He asked, and if he was honest with himself, he didn't really care. Because he would never be better, never be able to heal or cure the pain that hurt the most, the pain in his heart.

_No. It seems to be much more than a common stomach ache. There is something wrong, Alexander. Very wrong. _

"Don't call me Alexander. That's not who I am. I'm Alec!" Alec hissed suddenly, feeling very sick of his life. He had so many things happen to him, and he didn't know how much he could take before he collapsed.

The Silent Brother cocked an eyebrow in curiosity, and it just looked terrifying. _There is something wrong, Alexander._

"What? What is wrong?" Alec snapped harshly, and he felt happy in a strange way. He wasn't behaving like the shell of a person he felt like.

_We have discovered a small, _Brother Zachariah paused, _object that has attached itself to your abdominal wall._

Alec was frozen. Object? Like tumor? "I... Am I going to be alright?" He asked, voice shaky. He was almost scared to hear the answer.

_We are not quite sure yet. It could be nothing, or of course, it could be something. _

Alec swallowed. "When will you be sure? What's happening to me?" Alec asked panicky.

_We will monitor this object. If it continues to grow and cause pain, there is a very likely chance that it can be life threatening. _

Life threatening. All those times Alec just wished it would all end, was becoming a reality. And he was terrified. He thought of Isabelle and how she reacted when she thought he was dead. He thought of Jace and how angry he was at the people who basically raised him, just because of him. He didn't want to go, not like this.

_Go find your Warlock, Alexander. He will be far more adept at this, and will give you answers we can not. _

Your Warlock. Except he wasn't Alec's Warlock. Wasn't Alec's anything.

_It does not matter what he is to you, child. Go to him as a client if you need to. _

So Alec nodded shakily, not knowing what to say. "Fine. Jus- Just don't tell anyone about my," Alec paused, looking for the word, "Condition, alright? I feel fine, if there is something wrong, I will tell them later." No need to worry them now, he wanted to focus on healing his family first, not having them fuss over him.

The Silent Brother nodded, and with a last wayward glance, he disappeared, leaving only darkness.

_Tiredness. _Alec felt weary, his bones aching. He felt far older than his twenty two years, and his heart felt heavy in his chest. What is wrong with him? How did this happen? Is it cancer? So many questions that Alec didn't have answers to flooded his mind. But one thing he was sure of, he didn't want to die. Not yet. Not when his life's greatest mistake was yet to be fixed. Magnus.

Then he heard footsteps. A heavy irregular paced stomp that was strangely graceful sounding was Jace. Sharp clicking of strong legs in Isabelle's high heels. Soft skips that belonged to Clary's canvas sneakers.

Alec was tired. He was bone-tired and he was sick of having the short end of the stick all time. But still, life goes on, day by day, minute by minute. What Alec would do to just freeze time for once.

* * *

Isabelle was truly a daughter of Maryse. She looked exactly like her mother, based on the pictures from her mother's younger days. And usually, she was fine with it. Her mom was a total MILF, anyways, right? But the more she looked in the mirror, the more she hated it. She hated her jawline, which was the same sharp angle as her mothers. She hated the shape of her eyes, and the shape of her nose.

Because it was like looking right back into her mother's eyes. Isabelle used to love looking into the mirror, loved her cool dark brown eyes and her long dark hair. She was hot, she knew that. But now, looking in the mirror was like looking right back at her mother. She saw her mother's cold unloving eyes, and no matter how much she tried to soften them, to pore love into them, the still looked just as cold and distant, even if they were a different color.

She huffed in frustration, causing an alarmed glance from her siblings. She just turned right back into the mirror and tried focusing on the things that didn't look like her mother. All she got was an almost faded birthmark just under her ear.

"Vain, much?" Jace teased from the chair by Alec's bedside. She turned back around angrily.

"Shut it, Jace. Tell me again how long it takes you to get ready in the morning?" Isabelle snapped back and saw Clary look up curiously. "So, you don't just wake up like that?" She asked and Jace sputtered slightly.

"Of _course _I do, sweetheart. Don't pay attention to that crazy lady over there." Jace cooed indignantly, earning a laugh from Alec.

"You are _such_ a douchebag, Jace." Isabelle snickered, shaking her head. Jace frowned at that, faced drooped into a sickeningly adorable pout.

"Allie-bear?" He called Alec childishly, eyes big and pout still in place.

"Jacie-poo?" Alec responded, voice sweet as if talking to a baby. It felt good to joke, and laugh. It's been a while. A longass while of pain and tears.

"I'm sexy right?" Jace blinked owlishly back at Alec, and Isabelle felt insane laughter bubble up. Her family was back, they were all happy.

"Of course, honey. Just fix that saggy ass of yours." Alec murmured back sweetly, hand coming up to pinch Jace's tan cheek. If it was seventeen year old Alec, his heart would be fluttering and he would be stuttering. But it's not. Alec was genuinely happy that his feelings for Jace were seemingly gone, it pushed down a barrier that separated them from being true siblings.

Jace pulled away roughly, almost knocking over a lamp in the process. "Are you kidding me, Alec? My ass is _so _perky, you could bounce a quarter off this fine rump." Jace stood up and caressed his 'fine rump' lovingly, "See?" he shook it again in front of Alec, who rolled his eyes and looked away.

A quarter flew from Isabelle's hand and with superhuman precision, smacked Jace right in the middle of his forehead. "Ouch, what was that for?" The blond Shadowhunter whined immaturely, rubbing a hand on his injury.

"You said I could bounce a quarter off your ass, right?" Isabelle asked innocently, eyes fluttering playfully. She could hear Clary's loud guffaws and Alec's low chortle.

"I said my ass, not my face!" Jace snapped, glaring at Isabelle in annoyance. Isabelle just rolled her eyes and flipped her long black hair over her shoulder.

"Oops, couldn't tell the difference." Isabelle's voice was an apologetic monotone, but not for long. Her laughs were loud and uncaring, and it felt weird, in a good way. She couldn't remember the last time she let herself laugh so carefree and happy after Alec went missing.

Clary's laughter grew louder, tears threatening to spill over in happiness. Alec just grinned, but it looked kind of sad and nostalgic.

Jace huffed and looked away grumbling incoherently, smile in place the entire time.

Her family was back, and looking around the room, she didn't feel the longing and restlessness she felt the past year. She didn't feel like she had a phantom limb anymore, she felt whole. Even when there were still pieces missing from the family, she could feel it getting better, minute by minute.

* * *

The sun was shining high in the air by the time Magnus awoken from his slumber. He yawned, turning around expecting to see the back of a certain black haired Shadowhunter. He was met by a giant, empty expanse of pastel yellow, and not a pale brunette in sight.

Rolling till he was on Alec's part of the bed, he hoped for warmth that told that his Shadowhunter had come to bed, but again was met with cold, smooth silk.

Frowning, the Warlock got up and stretched, pulling the gold and black robe tighter against his body to fight the slight chilliness. He looked around the apartment, hoping for the smell of freshly-brewed coffee and cat food in the Chairman's dish. Neither of which were there. Where had Alec gone? Then, he remembered. The fight. The slamming of the bedroom door. Alec's face.

Bitter regret flooded Magnus for a second, but then it was gone. Alexander hadn't been his to worry about for a long time. Thinking of Alec didn't seem to put that pounding sensation in his heart, didn't make familiar happiness bubble up like it use to.

Magnus had been walking the planet for many, many years. He's seen the fall of civilizations, seen the world's greatest artworks, been with men, women, and several types of Downworlders. He's been around the world more times than he can count, he tried his hand at several different professions just in the pursuit of enthusiasm, of happiness and of not being _bored. _

He's been with his Shadowhunter for years, and that was a lot to the Warlock. Those years were special to him, treasured memories that stood out against his decades of existing. But the more he thought about the possibilities of others, who lived interesting lives, who _didn't_ push to know more and more about his past the more he convinced himself he was bored. It wasn't real boredom, he just knew that was what he was supposed to feel.

The Magnus Bane he knew himself to be would never be tied down for more than a couple months, at most. Then he would feel bored. But he wasn't bored, not at all.

Then Alec hadn't been so special anymore. The years he spent with him were honestly the happiest times in his extremely long life. And that was scary, it was scarier than anything he's ever seen or felt. He was plagued with thoughts of how he was going to survive if, no, _when _his beloved passed on. Left him.

He wasn't used to thinking so far into the future. His flings in the past were always casual, and the one or two that did matter, he didn't think about anything except the present. He was immortal, why would he care about the future if he had all the time in the world to fix whatever mistake he made?

Magnus was scared of being bored. He was used to having multiple relationships at the same time, one person could never be enough to satisfy the Warlock's tastes. But then he met Alexander, and everything seemed to change. Everything he ever wanted was found in Alec, and that was terrifying.

He could feel himself flowing back into old habits: flirting, dancing a little too close to someone at a party, dirty texts sent in the middle of the night with Alec lying right next to him. And it just made him feel frustrated, and hollower than before. He could see Alec breaking in front of him, and he knew it was all his fault. And when he hears Alec crying next to him as he pressed send on his high tech phone, it sent his heart clutching pathetically at nothing.

"Alexander, what's wrong?" He hasn't called him that in a long time. It sounded foreign and fake, even to his own ears. He rolled over and saw Alec's shaking frame facing away from him.

"I got kicked out. Jace and Isabelle, they don't- they don't want me back." His voice was broken with tears and he realized this was the first time he heard his shadowhunter cry. It didn't suit his tough Nephillim, not at all. He doesn't know what to do, it's an alien feeling. So he just pulled him closer and held him.

He never wanted to see Alec in that kind of pain again, so when Jace and Isabelle knock on his door two days later, he tells them Alec's not home. He doesn't want his Shadowhunter any more hurt by this than what he already has. Little did Magnus know, it just hurt him more.

Looking around the empty apartment, he felt a strange, unusual pining. He was scared of Alec dying, so he pushed him away from his heart, and it was selfish. He knew it was selfish, especially when he heard Alec's sobs when he thought no one was listening. But it was for the good of the both of them, push Alec away further and further till he gets sick of the Warlock and leaves. But at least Magnus can feel bitter and move on. If Alec died, Magnus couldn't blame anyone, and he couldn't fix it. And so what if Magnus doesn't want to move on, so what if all he ever wanted and needed in his life was Alec?

Especially because Magnus knew his time with Alec was to be cherished, to be spent happily, he couldn't stop thinking about how he will be after Alec died.

It would save them both the heartache if they just ended it now. But Magnus knew he could never end it. He could never bear to see the hurt on Alec's face, could never see the tearful eyes begging him to take him back. He would take Alec back, and that would defeat the entire purpose. If living on earth 800 years taught him anything, it was to protect yourself.

So Magnus insults Alec. He pushes him away. He pretends to get caught 'cheating'. He wanted Alec to break up with him, to be so fed up with him and just leave. And after every fight, Magnus turns his head a little to see if his Shadowhunter is in bed, and after every fight, he's always there making Magnus feel relief and happiness.

But then he's not there this morning, and Magnus was panicked. Had his Shadowhunter really had enough? Is he really gone? Magnus wanted to scream in frustration, even though this is what he wanted, what he made himself want.

He called Alec a grand total of 23 times before he even got dressed. He texted him while tugging on a random sparkly outfit. He emailed him having a bite of breakfast. Nada, nada, nada. So he tracks him, and he's in the Institute. Confusion was clouding his mind, confusion and relief. Alec's okay. And before he could think, he was already out the door. He just needed to see his Shadowhunter, that's all he could think of.

* * *

"Alec's asleep." Isabelle whispered, closing the door gently to said Shadowhunter's room. She turned to face Jace, who was a couple steps away from her. He nodded, clutching a bag of McDonald's to his chest.

"I told you to go buy him a nutritional meal, and you come back with that garbage?" Isabelle laughed, walking down the corridor away from the Infirmary, Jace followed her frowning.

"Hey! Trust me sweetheart, it's better than your cooking. Much, much better." Jace muttered darkly, smirking at the dark look Isabelle threw at him.

"Shut your mouth. So what should we do?" Isabelle asked as they turned a corner into the residential part of the Institute. She turned to face Jace, who seemed very intent on texting. "Who are you texting?"

"Clary, she ran to some Mundie store to buy coffee for Alec, y'know how he gets all grumpy without his coffee." Jace replied, slipping his phone back into his pocket. "So what should we do about what?" He asked as they opened the door to the kitchen. Jace was admittedly a bit worried they might run into _them_, but Isabelle, ever the spitfire, wasn't.

"Our parents, Jace! And Alec, I'm really worried about him. What if he doesn't get better? What if something's seriously wrong with him?" Isabelle griped, sitting down on one of the spinny-stool-thingies they kept at the kitchen island.

Jace frowned. "Don't call them our parents, Isabelle. They're not our parents, look at what they did to our family!"

"I know, Jace. I can't believe they would do this to Alec, to _us. _I can't look at them. I hate them so much, and I really don't want to. I wish they didn't do this to us, I wish our family was still together." Isabelle said with a hint of anger and sadness lacing her words. She stood up to look at the yearly Christmas photo from several years ago the Lightwood family took every year since Jace came to the Institute.

"But we are still together, Izz. Alec's back. And honestly, our 'parents' haven't been family for a long time. We still are a family, even if we've lost another two members." Jace replied, a peaceful half-smile on his tanned face.

"How are you so calm about this? I can't even think about them without wanting to tear their heads off. Do you see Alec, Jace? I thought he was sad-looking before, now look at him! He looks like he wants to cry all the time! Can you see him like that and not feel angry? Alec, Jace! Alec doesn't cry. He gets pissed and bitchy and moody, but he doesn't cry."

Isabelle is staring more intently into the family picture now, her back facing Jace. Their parents were staring straight into the camera, a genuine small smile on Robert's face and a huge mirthful laughing smile on her mother's. Alec and Jace were play fighting, Jace's fist lodged in Alec's hair. Both had smiles from ear-to-ear. Isabelle was looking at them and grinning, and Max stood before her, a shy smile poking out, looking adorable with his oversized glasses and happy flush.

She picked it up from the place on the wall, and traced a finger through all of the Lightwood children's faces. They were happy, truly and genuinely happy. Alec, didn't look much older than thirteen or fourteen, unplagued with the struggles of his sexuality, was smiling, and she wanted that for her brother. Wanted him to be happy.

Jace, her adoptive brother who has turned to someone she loved more than the people she had direct blood relations to. Family isn't always defined by blood, as they say. She was thankful for Jace.

Max. Her heart sped up at the mention of her brother, the wound still fresh even though it was several years since he passed. It was strange to think of her brother's death. Because it brought the same emotions to her as her parents' betrayal. Anger, pain, sadness. Because Isabelle knew, in her heart of heart's, her parents were dead, in all senses that counted.

"I know Isabelle, don't you think I know that! I'm not calm, I'm not calm at all! There are no words for how much I hate them. I hate what they did to Alec, but honestly, I'm happy too. I'm happy they revealed their true colors, because now, I know what family really is.

My parents, whether it was them, or the Herondales, or even Valentine was supposed to protect me. They're my parents. But over and over, they failed at that. I really wanted Robert and Maryse to be the ones that proved me wrong, and I thought they did. I thought they loved me. But now, I realize I don't need that. I realize that you, Alec, Clary are my family. I don't need anything else, I'm not missing anything. They're not my parents anymore."

Jace's words warmed her heart. "You're the only family I have left, Jace. You and Alec." Isabelle said, and it sent chills down Jace's back for an unknown reason.

And with those words that screamed finality, Isabelle threw the picture on the floor, watching the glass break into tiny shards that decorated the tile floor of the kitchen. Because that's not her family anymore, her family will never be that anymore.

"Ever the little drama queen, Izz." Jace's voice still held none of the teasing his words held.

"I'm leaving, Jace. I can't be here anymore, I'm suffocating." Isabelle said, and Jace's heart clenched painfully. "Everything reminds me of what our family used to be. And that's not what I need right now. I need a fresh start, away from all of this."

Jace took a deep breath, looking up with those chilling eyes, right into Isabelle's seductive chocolate brown eyes. "Okay, Izz. But I'm coming with you."

* * *

"Isabelle, can you go get my keys? It's on the desk in Alec's room!" Jace called from his room.

"Yeah, no problem!" Isabelle shouted back, feet already moving down the familiar hallway the Lightwoods resided in.

Reaching the room, she turned the handle to be met with Alec's phone going off in response to a call. She ran to pick it up, and saw a name that sent her heart beating harder in anger. '_Magnus Bane.' _

She pressed the red button, and the incoming call screen was gone. Instead she saw Alec's text message inbox almost full. She swallowed thickly and pressed 'View All.'

'_Alec, I know you're at the Institute. I'm coming.' _Two minutes ago.

_'Where r u?' F_ive minutes ago

_'Is this about that fight? Where r u?' _Six minutes ago.

_'Alec, pick up your phone.' _10 minutes ago.

Isabelle ran outside the room, only to collide into Alec. "Crap, Alec! What are you doing out of bed?" She demanded and Alec shrugged.

"Nothing hurt anymore, I feel fine actually. I came to get Jace's keys, he claimed you were taking too long." Alec explained with a small smirk.

Isabelle felt nervous all of a sudden, anger slowly melting to dread. "Umm, Alec. You-You should check your phone." Isabelle didn't want to tell Alec, Alec had to see for himself.

Alec looked confused but took the phone. As soon as he saw the messages, his face dropped. What was he supposed to feel? Happy that Magnus cared about him? Scared that it could be bad news? Anger for not telling him his siblings were looking for him? Nervousness? He really didn't know anymore.

"Hey, Alec? Did you get my key-" Jace strolled in, but froze at the tense expressions of his siblings. His eyebrows scrunched in confusion. "Guys? What's wrong?"

But Alec didn't look up, didn't even show any sign of recognition he heard anything. His eyes were glued to the phone screen almost disbelievingly. Isabelle looked nervous, biting her lip and fidgeting. But there was something more, her eyes were burning with anger. What happened?

"Guys? What's wrong?" Jace tried again, voice sharper and louder. The sound of a phone dropping and crashing into hundreds of small pieces, similar to Alec's heart. He wasn't ready for this. He wasn't ready to talk to Magnus, wasn't ready to hear what he obviously had to say. Was he going to break up with him?

"_Magnus." _Alec gasped out, shoulders slumping forward and knees bending slightly.

**A/N 2: Didn't I tell you it's horrible? And sorry about the slight cliffie there heehee. **

**Okay so I hope this is semi-okay and you all don't hate me. I might be taking this down and editing it again, because as usual, me sppelin ind gramer suck. **

**Oh and one more question: Would you guys rather have the longish chapters I've been posting (4,000-5,000 words) at the rather slowish pace I've been updating at, or would you rather have shorter chapters (2,000-3,000 words) but with less time between them? This chapter came a bit slow, as I was rather troubled by the characterization of Magnus, and the whole Mpreg situation (see A/N 1) . **

**Thanks for all the reviews guys! The update bunny was verry pleased, but it's a bit of an insatiable greedy bastard, so keep 'em coming. Could we possibly make it to 50 reviews? Pwease? I'm such a review whore I can't even.**

**See you next update! **


	4. Reason Four

**A/N: Sorry for the wait guys, real life was being such a donkey. Long chapters and Mpreg are seemingly what the majority of you guys want, and your wish is my command ;)**

**Now on to the chapter~**

Time passes too fast. When Alec thinks back on his life, it is a whirlwind of memories, moments and emotions. He wanted it to slow down, wanted to savor each moment he had. He didn't want to age, not when Magnus would never, would remain in a youthful body forever as he watches Alec's back hunch over and skin gather wrinkles.

He wished life was like watching a DVD. You could press pause, play, fast forward. But you _can't_ pause it, time ticks on and Alec hates it. He wished he could fast forward through the tough parts of his life, didn't want to feel this incessant ache and emptiness he did. He was wasting time like this, being this shell, time he could be spending with his family. Time he could spend happy.

But especially, he hated how he had no control over it. Alec liked being in control, liked knowing everything was in order because he knew what to expect. Magnus always teased him, called him OCD, and Alec couldn't help but agree at some level.

Time ticked on, and Alec couldn't stop it. Couldn't do anything about it.

Soon, Magnus would be on his doorstep, and Alec couldn't do anything to stop it. Didn't know if he wanted to.

"Magnus? He's coming here?!" Jace shrieked in a way that Alec's never heard him before. It still held the same notes of manliness, and Alec was jealous. He was still perfect, even if he was shrieking like a pansy.

Alec wanted to feel the worry and nervousness he felt mere minutes ago, but it's gone, as fleeting as the love Magnus seemed to feel for him. He felt numb, out of touch with his body. He can't feel anything, but he could see Jace's angry expression, eyebrows raised and mouth set in a deep frown. He can see Isabelle's teeth bitten over two rosy lips in worry that he's going to explode or cry.

He could see them and could hear Jace ranting angrily about Magnus and Isabelle agreeing whole-heartedly, even if she was wary of Alec's reaction, or rather, lack of.

The funny thing is, Alec still has a reminiscent memory of who he once was, Alexander and what he'd do. Alexander would square his shoulders and tell Magnus to come, prepared for whatever the Warlock wanted to do. Alexander would hold his ground and not let some petty relationship troubles worry his mind. But Alec, Alec just wanted to crawl back in bed and sleep.

"Alec? Are you okay? Do you need to go lie down?" Isabelle's voice was hesitant, like Alec was a bomb waiting to explode. And Alec hoped he would explode, hoped he would finally have enough and just explode into millions and millions of pieces, never be able to be put back together. But all he felt was numbness. Nothing.

He stared at her blankly. He tried to use his voice, but he had no words to say. Nothing.

"Of course he's alright, he's Alec for Angel's sake! He's not some fair maiden in need of protection." Jace scolded with an eye roll. Jace's voice was so sure, like he really, truly believed in that lie. Like he honestly thought Alec was strong, that he was alright.

But Alec's not, of course. He was a lot of things (fucked up, awkward, gross, abomination), but he wasn't strong, and he definitely wasn't alright. That he knew for sure, he knew it as one of the only truths that he clung to in the dumb fog of his mind. He wasn't alright.

He had an extremely low self-esteem, for starters. He wished he could lean into the mirror and primp, puff his chest up and preen while he fixes his hair and check out his abs like he's seen Jace do millions of times. He wishes he could see what everyone tells him, that his eyes were exceptionally beautiful, that his black hair was soft and shiny, that his cheekbones were high and regal, all trademarks of the Lightwood family.

He hates the fact that the only thing he could see in the mirror was how broken he looked. Where everyone else saw clear bright sapphire eyes, he could only see sunken eyes that stared back at him, empty and dull.

He hates the mirror. Back when he was still in the closet, Alec was obsessed with it. Obsessed with it not even for vanity, but of fear. He was terrified that people would take one look at him and _know. _Know his sexuality, know that he was a freak. So that insecurity spawned the ugly sweater days, that ugly self-consiousness spawned the rather appalling fact that the brightest article of clothing in his wardrobe was a royal blue cashmere sweater, and that was a gift from Magnus.

Alec also had a possibly life-threatening _tumor_ eating away at his body. He wasn't alright.

He had an almost ex-boyfriend that he was so, so gone for, yet he could never hold the attentions of the Warlock. He wasn't alright.

He had a pair of parents that could never love him, that never loved him. Every passing moment, he wished he didn't come out this way, that he could wake up and be straight and Jace-like. But he's not, because this disease, this sickness, will never go away. He will always love Magnus, and for once in his life, he wish he didn't.

He wasn't alright.

But he looked up into Isabelle's eyes and said, "I'm alright." Because no one can help him. No one will make him okay.

She let out a deep breath, as if she was waiting for that. "Good—good, as long as you're alright." she said, and she didn't look all that placated.

"Do you want to- I mean, do you want to see Magnus?" Jace asked, voice confident, but he stammered slightly.

Alec didn't really. He didn't want to do anything but sleep. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but Jace kept going.

"I'm not exactly an expert in the field of homo relationships, but..." Jace paused, a brilliant but strangely fake smile shone out, "I know he hurt you. I don't know how, but I can see it. So that means that I have free range to use him as a dartboard."

"No. Don't hurt him." Alec responded immediately, not even thinking about it. The thought of Jace hurting Magnus sent his heart beating into a wild frenzy, and he knew, he knew that he would immediately choose Magnus' side, even though the Warlock didn't want him. Even though Jace was there for him through most everything. He would still choose Magnus, and Alec knew that instant, he didn't deserve Jace's trust.

"No promises. He hurts you, he won't be anything but a pile of ashes and a bunch of cheap jewelery." Jace's voice was firm. Alec half wanted to tell him that 'cheap jewelery' actually each cost the same amount as a small house apiece.

"Yeah, Alec. You don't have to take shit from anyone now. You have us." Isabelle was grinning that grin that is cocky and arrogant, it's a smile that he wishes he could pull off. Both Isabelle and Jace were confident, beautiful and best of all _straight. _

And Alec's throat swelled up, disabling him from talking. He has a family that loves him and would protect him, yet still, still he wishes for Magnus. Magnus who will never love him, not like he wants to be loved.

He felt like a screw-up all over again. A bratty little ungrateful prick. Why couldn't he finally just allow himself to be happy? Why must he pine for someone so close, yet so far away? Why could he not settle with having his family back? Why is he such a fuck up?

"I'll be fine, guys. I'm always fine." Alec's voice was cheery and fake, but his siblings could only hear the raw bitterness it held.

No one said anything. Alec slowly trudged from his spot on the floor to the bed. "I'm fine. Promise." He said, putting one hand on Isabelle's shoulder, sensing her distrust.

Alec felt hollow. The words came out, flowing like water in a stream. He wished his siblings didn't do this to him. That slowly by slowly, this was hurting him. He wished they didn't care, that they truly didn't care about him like he originally feared.

Because tears came easily. Heartache he could deal with. Forcing smiles and fake words were hard. Exhausting. Pretending to be okay was hard. Life's hard.

And Alec, just because he's so messed up, actually wishes for the times he's cried himself to sleep. Because all those times, he was beside Magnus, mere inches from touching. Even if he was sad, he was near Magnus, and he would honestly rather have that then this.

Feeling loved. Feeling worth it. Because he knows he's not. That even though every fiber in his body is telling him to be happy, to bask in his siblings' attentions, to smile and laugh and hell, _frolick, _he can't. Because that one, stubborn demon hiding in the front of Alec's mind reminds him day-by-day, it's not real. None of it was real.

Jace and Isabelle were going to forget about him soon. Magnus had one foot out the door of Alec's life. His parent's- gone, gone gone. He had no one, nothing but the memories of certain smiles he will never forget.

Jace's cocksure smile. A flick of plump lips, sides twitching up in a smirk, that would've been arrogant and cold, but all Alec could see was warm and _home._

Isabelle's blinding smile, flashing pearly whites and revealing soft dimples at each cheek. It had the same cocky twang Jace's had, and Alec can't help but feel like the ugly duckling with the smile that didn't fit in.

Then Magnus'. His smile, admittedly was the one that stuck out the most to Alec. Teasing, a breath of laughter casting his face in this sort of beautiful _glow, _and all Alec could think was beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

And later, Alec would blush thinking about it. He felt like those girls in crappy teen romance novels with vampires and werewolves. The guy surrounds you, makes you feel special, and you never want to forget. Never want him to forget about you.

"Alec, do you want to see him, truly? And no lies." Isabelle asked earnestly, and Alec knew it was a test. Knew that she knew him well enough to see through everything, but he refused to say what he really felt, because he knew that he didn't feel anything. Hollowness.

He wanted to tell them the truth, wanted to so bad, but he didn't know what the truth was. He knew he would always want to see Magnus, but he was scared. Of what, Alec really didn't know.

"I want to see him." It was the truth, not the whole truth, and Isabelle's shoulders sagged, forcing her slender frame to be pushed over her shoulders. He failed the test. He hurt Isabelle. He's such a fuck up.

He wanted to trust his siblings and truly be happy for once in his life, but he can't. He's scared of being hurt. He loved them, that he knew for sure.

But Alec's forgotten _how _to love.

"I want to see him, but I'm scared. I'm scared he might tell me something I won't want to hear." Alec added, his voice slipping into the sad (weak) voice, and Isabelle seemed happy again. She seemed to like when Alec was over-honest, and Alec wanted to see her like this more.

"It's okay, Alec." Jace said, and Alec's not so sure anymore.

The room was quiet, and it was uncomfortable. "I really missed you guys." Alec said quietly, eyes diverted to the ground, just to fill the uncomfortable silence.

Isabelle replied immediately. "We missed you too, you have to know that. You know that right?" She pressed, and Alec couldn't look at her or Jace. He couldn't see the desperateness in Isabelle's eyes as she tried to fix this, fix _him. _Because he's broken. He couldn't see the silent agreement in Jace's eyes and the slightly storminess in his expression. Anger he knew was not directed at Alec.

He knew that. But there's still that one annoying, spiteful part of Alec who refused to believed. Who didn't want to believe. Because he's scared, and he's _weak. _

But he didn't say that. "Of course, Izzy." He said with a fake smile and a hollowness in his chest.

She nodded, and looked content with just that.

Suddenly Alec was scared, everything just was too real, things going too fast. His heart beat wildly as his mind flashed through possible scenarios. What if Jace and Isabelle really made promise of their words, that maybe they really would hurt Magnus? That would most definitely ruin any chance Alec hoped for rekindling his love with Magnus.

"Don't hurt Magnus. When he comes, give us space, okay? If I need help, I'll call you." Alec's voice was serious, and he felt almost strong, a bit like the old him, a bit like _Alexander._

"Alec, are you sure? I mean- okay. We'll keep away. But if that bastard tries _anything, _I'm kicking his ass." Jace said in a voice that didn't leave any room for debate.

Alec opened his mouth to respond, to say thank you, but was cut off by a smooth honey voice that he could pick out in any crowd, anywhere no matter how much time passed. Magnus.

"_Alec." _One word. Two simple syllables that made Alec's entire world crash down, and build itself back up.

Alec froze. He couldn't move, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't think. He tried to convince himself that he was ready, ready to talk to Magnus.

He felt so different from two minutes ago, where he felt ready to face Magnus. But hearing his voice, seeing him so close to him, he wasn't.

It hit him then that him and Magnus haven't really _talked, _in an extremely long time. They argued, they fought, but they didn't talk.

Slowly, Alec turned around, eyes still cast to the floor. The first thing he saw were Italian leather shoes. The same pair Alec bought him for their three year anniversary. His eyes inched up, red skinny jeans, electric blue deep v-neck. Tall, tan throat. Then his face.

His breath caught in his throat. Still beautiful. His hair was down, looking incredibly soft and fluffy, different than the spikes he was used to. Same exotic slanted eyelids, same high cheekbones.

One look, and Alec's eyes were back to the ground. He turned to look at Isabelle and Jace, twin pair of glaring eyes staring at him. "Warlock." Isabelle said shortly, eyes distrusting and hateful.

"Miss Isabelle." Magnus' voice was light and airy, as if greeting an old friend, not a person with eyes that looked ready to kill him. But his eyes were still trained on Alec's frame.

"You hurt him. You step out of line. You say _anything _he doesn't want to hear, you're dead. Dead." Isabelle had surged forward, even in her heels, half a head shorter than Magnus, nimble hand caught in his collar, the other scrunched into a fist.

"Isabelle," Alec said quietly, and Isabelle let Magnus go, but fist remained clenched into tight balls. "Please."

"Don't forgive him too easily." She said, voice clipped and short. Then she stormed out, and all Alec could hear were the sharp clicking of her shoes down the hallway. Alec sighed, looking at Jace, begging him not to. Not to what, Alec wasn't sure.

"You heard Isabelle, Downworlder. You've already done enough to him, don't do anymore." Jace said, gave Alec one more meaningful look, and sauntered out, slamming the door behind him. Then short stomps down the hallway.

Then the room was completely silent. "Alec." Magnus said in that same silky voice. Alec looked up from a particularly interesting spot on the floor, and tried to look into Magnus' face. It sent his heart beating in that erratic beat, the same tempo as any other time he sees Magnus.

He can't look into those eyes, because he knows it will be his downfall. It would open the floodgates, would send him down a pit he would never be able to crawl out of. So he focused his eyes on the tall, thin nose.

Alec had no words. He wanted to yell and scream at him for lying to him, for not telling him his siblings were looking for him. He wanted to hug and kiss him, because he showed up, he looked for Alec.

Magnus sat down uninvited onto Alec's bed, a stark contrast of color and brightness against the neutral, _boring, boring, boring _room. He stared at the pile of shards that used to be Alec's phone, and smirked.

"So that's what happened to your phone. I was wondering why you weren't picking up or answering my texts." Magnus' words were teasing and casual, but he seemed different. Almost nervous-sounding, but Alec knew Magnus wasn't nervous. He was never nervous, always the epitome of calm and collected.

Alec nodded. "Magnus. Why?" His voice is quiet and soft, and he can feel emotion bubble up in his chest again. Because every time he's with Magnus, he's not a shell. He's a human with Magnus. A sorry excuse of a human, but he can _feel _again.

"Why what?" Magnus honestly looked confused, and Alec wanted to cry. It's happening, insane anger and sadness are bubbling up to the surface, and Alec just wanted to hurt and harm and _kill. _Why was it always him who has to deal with all this? Why does he always have to have things go wrong? Oh, wait, that bitter part of him knows already: _Because you're a screw up._

"You didn't tell me that Jace and Isabelle were looking for me! I waited for a phone call, a doorbell, any sign they still cared. You- You saw me wait for them every day, and not once did you ever-" Alec had to stop. His chest was heaving heavily as he tried to hold back the tears. He can't, his head was spinning and he felt weak, and he just _can't. _Stray tears slipped down his cheeks, pausing to cling at Alec's long eyelashes before trickling down his cheeks.

Magnus stood up,inching toward him, hands held out and a certain type of sympathy in his eyes. Alec backed away, he doesn't want Magnus to touch him, because it would hurt too much. It would just be a cruel reminder to the time he was truly happy, for once in his life.

"Alexander-" There was that name again. Alec didn't want to hear it, didn't want anyone to call him that ever again, because he's not. He's not Alexander, he will never be Alexander anymore.

Magnus looked apathetic, even with his hand outreached to Alec. But the Shadowhunter just shook his head over and over, the tears blurring his vision.

He didn't know why he was crying, it just felt like too much, seeing Magnus was too much. He's too weak to deal with this.

"I'm sorry, Alexander." Magnus voice was all but a quiet husk. Alec wanted to believe he was apologetic, to believe he really meant it, but when he looked into his eyes for the first time in three days, all he saw was boredom.

The same boredom he found when they were arguing, or when Magnus was trying to distract him with meaningless compliments. Boredom, Alec hated it so much.

Because Magnus wasn't sorry, he didn't need to be. Suddenly, Alec just felt tired. That bone-tired exhaustion creeping back into his body.

"Why are you here Magnus?" Alec asked, voice as tired as he felt. He wanted to jump into the Warlock's arms, let himself be happy for a while, before that emptiness sunk its ugly teeth back into Alec.

He looked surprised at the question, as if he didn't know how he ended up here. Alec continued to look at him, continued to memorize the way the low light seemed to bring out the glow in the Warlock's skin and eyes, and they way his hair fell softly over his face, curling near his chin. Alec's heart hurt in a stubborn ache he could never get rid of.

"I'm here because I was worried about you." He said finally, and Alec wanted to believe so bad. But again, looking into those eyes, all there was was that empty glare. Bored.

"I'm-" Alec was about to say fine, to lie in that way he was so used to. But remembering the Silent Brother's words, he was supposed to tell him about his condition, was supposed to ask for help. But looking into those bored orbs, he couldn't spit it out. There were other Warlocks in their area, it didn't have to be Magnus, right?

Alec didn't want to make Magnus even more bored than before. But mostly, he was scared of the Warlock touching him in that caring way that he has touched and healed Magnus in the past. Like he was a precious treasure, to be loved and cherished. He doesn't want to remember that, and feel the clinical emotionless touching Magnus would be sure to do. Because he's not Alexander.

"-fine. I'm fine." Alec pressed his lips into a thin line, the tears already dried, leaving his voice a little hoarse.

Magnus looked wary, like he didn't believe a single word of it. Mostly because he didn't. "You don't look fine. You've lost weight, and you've only been gone two days."

Alec just shrugged noncommittally. "It's nothing, really." It's something. It's definitely something.

Magnus nodded slowly, and that awkward silence pulled back over them, washing them in a heavy fog. "I'm sorry, Alexander. I didn't mean to cause you pain." The apology was diplomatic, as if he was reading from a card. It was said in a completely monotone voice, and Alec knew he didn't mean it.

Magnus was alive for well over half a century, and yet he could count on one hand how many times he's apologized.

Isabelle's words flashed through his memory, but Alec knew it was useless. Because with one look into those beautiful eyes, Magnus was forgiven. He's always going to be forgiven.

Alec just stared into Magnus' eyes, trying to remember just how he looked when he was still in love with Alec.

Magnus just stared right back, and Alec couldn't help but feel a bit self-conscious in his four-sizes-too-big pajamas that he never bothered to change out of from the Infirmary.

"Let's go home, Alec. Chairman misses you." said Magnus in a tone of finality, like he was ordering Alec to, not a harmless suggestion. Magnus did that a lot, made suggestions into orders.

Chairman misses you. Not _I _miss you. Never I miss you.

And Alec really did want to go home, cuddle on the couch with Chairman Meow and drink Chai tea and sleep in silky canary sheets, but that's not his home, not really. So he shook his head, and Magnus froze, not expecting that.

Neither him or Alec was used to Alec defying his 'suggestions'. Magnus' eyes flashed with panic, but then was gone. The boredom replaced it. "No offense to your siblings, but if I stay here any longer, I'm afraid Isabelle will make truth of her words." A fake half smile, probably to cover the boredom.

Magnus obviously came to the Institute to collect Alec and take him back to the flat. But why?

"I'm not going to your apartment Magnus." Alec's voice was stronger now, and he really didn't want to be saying those words. Because he wanted to, wanted to go home. Wanted to be with Magnus.

Then there was silence, Magnus' face still the stoic mask. "When are you going, then?" he asked, as if purposefully not processing the words. Magnus was supposed to sound shocked, or maybe even a little defiant, but he wasn't supposed to sound bored. But he did, because Alec was boring.

"I'm not. I'm moving back into the Institute." Alec said, completely void of emotion. He looked into Magnus' eyes, begging him to say something. Begging him to tell Alec that he wanted him to come home, to stay by his side.

But there was only silence, Magnus scanning Alec's face for jesting, or perhaps even lie. His face was still blank. "Alec. I-"

Alec didn't want to hear it, because he knew it wasn't going to be '-_love you'. _The one thing he needed to hear._  
_

"I'm going to go with you to collect my things, but I'm coming back. I need my siblings, I need my family." Alec said and then turned and walked out, tears already streaming again.

Magnus stood frozen, still stepping on the shards of Alec's phone. _And heart. _

"What about us? Are we over?" Magnus called after him, and there was definitely some hope in his words. Hope that they truly were over, Alec bet.

Alec turned around, hand still clutched around the door knob. "_I don't know." _

**A/N 2: Angst. Angst. Angst. Welp, hope that was worth the wait :) **

**WE HIT 50 REVIEWS! I can't. I'm done. Can I go die now? *flails* Thanks so much to everyone who has stuck by this story, followed it, favorited it, and reviewed it. **

**You guys are my motivation, the reason I write, really. So thank you.**

**(The next chapter gets a bit hot and heavy with the taste of lemons (wink) so review and I might just post it a little faster) *shameless bribing* I'm still a review whore. I'm not proud.**


	5. Reason Five

**8/4/13-UPDATE- MISTAKES FIXED!**

**A/N: Ahh! A week without updating! Well.. I'm sorry. I actually wrote this one three days ago, but couldn't post because I got extremely sick. But enough with my excuses, because I'm pretty sure none of you care.**

**Oh and as promised, this chapter get's a little, ahem, _interesting_ shall we say, so all those not willing to read _interesting _things, just ignore this chapter completely :D**

**Now that we got that out of the way- Here it is**

"Where are you going?" The sharp fear clung to her words like a vice. Alec looked up to see his Mother's worried gaze on him. Her hands sat on her hips just like the bags sat under her eyes. He looked behind her, expecting her husband to be behind her. He breathed a sigh of relief when there wasn't another soul in sight.

"Jace and Isabelle won't like you talking to me." Alec said, ignoring her question. She didn't deserve to pretend to care about him when just a couple of weeks ago she was pretending he didn't exist. The sad, pitiful feelings toward himself and his mother were mostly gone, the void filled with spite and anger.

"I asked you a question, Alexande-" She started, pausing immediately when Alec's eyes snapped up to her.

"I'm Alexander, now? Mother, I do recall just last year I was a fag. An abomination. Don't pretend anything changed." Alec's words were cruel, spitting Maryse's own slurs back to her. She didn't get to break him down and pretend to be a worried mother at the same time. She can chose one or the other, but it's going to take a lot more than what she's given him so far.

Maryse flinched as if she was slapped, before a fiery glaze covered her blue eyes he took after. "I'm sorry. How many times do I have to say sorry, Alexander? How many times? When will you stop acting like a drama queen?"

Her eyes went wide as soon as she said it, but the damage was done. Alec looked at her with disdain, steeling his eyes and pressing his lips together.

"I'm sorry" Her whispered apology just added salt to the wound. She wasn't sorry, not at all. It was exhausting. He couldn't tell which was worse, caring Maryse or homophobic, cruel Maryse.

"No you're not." Alec said simply and turned on his heel, dragging the empty suitcase behind him.

He didn't take two steps out the door when he heard Isabelle's high pitched voice calling for him.

"Alec!" He turned, smiling at her serenely, if a bit forced.

"Where are you going?" She asked immediately, seeing his suitcase. It was weird to hear the same phrase come out of Isabelle's mouth as their Mother's. It was even weirder to think about the difference of emotions Alec felt with each person. When Maryse said it, he only felt disbelief and confusion and a smidgen of anger. With Isabelle, he felt cared about and familiar.

"I'm going with Magnus to his apartment to get my stuff. Then I'm coming back" Alec said, walking a little faster as he heard Maryse's tentative footsteps behind them. "Alec-" She whispered and Isabelle immediately turned her head, and gave her Mother the death glare of the century.

"Do you want us to come?" Isabelle asked while tying her long hair back with a rubber band. Alec shook his head. "No, I need to do this myself."

"Whatever you want, Alec." Isabelle was silent for a moment, as if she wasn't sure what to say, which was a rather unfamiliar sight for Alec. He was too used to Isabelle's extremely talkative ways, always blabbering on and on about nothing and everything. That innocence and spark seemed to be lost as many things have gone the year they were apart.

"I'm sorry Alec." Isabelle said, and she seemed a bit ashamed of herself. Alec looked up, obviously confused. What had Isabelle done? Panic gripped at Alec's heart.

"What for?" Alec asked cautiously, and he stopped walking, frozen in one spot.

"I'm sorry for treating you like you're some delicate china-doll. I know you hate it." Isabelle explained, her front teeth worrying her bottom lips nervously. Alec exhaled, he had been preparing for the worst. And of course, now he felt like an asshole, because of course Isabelle would never betray him.

"It's fine." It wasn't fine. All that excess doting hurt, hurt more than the slurs from Maryse and Robert. It got his hopes up for nothing, because as soon as they realize how _disgusting _and _boring _he is, they're worried voices will just turn mocking and far away, just as Magnus' had.

"You're not weak, Alec. Never think of yourself as weak. You're the strongest person I know." Isabelle placed both hands on his bony shoulders, looking into his eyes, trying to channel truth and desperation into her own eyes. Alec just stared back at her.

"You had so much happen to you. It's not fair. And I know you think you're a-" Isabelle swallowed as if continuing hurt, "fuck-up, but you're not. At all. You just had a lot of crap happen to you."

Alec closed his eyes suddenly, feeling a horrible lurch in his stomach all of a sudden, and he wasn't sure if it was his _disease_,or the impending feelings of dread manifesting. Isabelle has no idea how messed up Alec is. How willing he was to run away with a Downworlder if Magnus still wanted him, away from Isabelle and Jace. The two people that cared for him the majority of his life.

"Just remember that, okay?" She pressed and Alec just gave a nod, which wasn't much but a short bob of his head. She let out a breath, but her face broke into a beautiful smile. "Good." As if she really believed Alec at all.

Apparently Alec wasn't the only Lightwood child capable of lies.

"Where's Jace?" Alec asked, craning his head to look into Jace's room through the open door. It was empty.

Isabelle smirked suddenly. "He's dealing with Robert." It was weird how natural Isabelle saying Robert was. Like almost two decades of calling him dad meant nothing. Isabelle seemed to have no problem forcing her birth parents out of her life, something Alec has yet to learn.

"What happened?" Alec asked, regretting the fact that his mind was utterly consumed with flashes of Magnus.

"Okay so Robert, the prick completely blew up when he saw Magnus. Then Magnus got kicked out, not that he put up much of a fight, so he's outside right now. Then Jace was all 'you have no right to jump in our lives again' Then Robert was all "Shut up don't talk to me like that!" And-" Isabelle was talking animatedly as if a full out duel between her father and brother was just daily occurrence. Like it was the latest gossip or something.

And of course, nearing Alec's room, there indeed was fighting. "You're not my father. You never have been. Not since the first time you spat your filthy words at Alec." Jace's voice was melted gold, smooth but dangerous, it would burn you if you weren't careful.

"What kind of father does that? Alec tried so hard, and over and over, you prove yourself to be an asshole."

"Isabelle..." Alec said weakly, not wanting to hear this, not wanting to hear his brother and father fued over him.

"He's right. Robert's a dick." Isabelle whispered back, before slamming the door open with superhuman strength, the doorknob a shriveled up piece of metal that fell with a clang on the floor.

The scene before him was painful, to say the least. The first thing he noticed were the necklace of finger shaped bruises encircling Jace's neck.

Then he noticed the state of his room. It looked like a tornado had hit, books lying on the floor, a fist shaped hole punched into the wall. "Alec,"Jace breathed, his wavy golden hair falling over his eyes gently. Alec didn't say anything, just looked at the scene with horror in his eyes.

Alec remained frozen to the floor. He can feel his father's eyes on him, intruding and penetrative, and suddenly all that anger was gone, replaced with cold, iron dread and fear. "You," It was spat like it was a curse word, with disdain and satisfaction that made Alec's blood turn cold.

Admittedly, it was a huge step up from the rather colorful arsenal of homophobic slurs Alec knew first hand his father had no problem saying. He refused to look at him, instead focusing on the five finger shaped bruises on Jace's neck. "I'm going with Magnus to the apartment. Getting my things." He informed Jace, voice quiet against the tenseness in the room. He's scared of saying something wrong, saying something to make his father angrier.

Jace's eyes flickered between Alec and Robert Lightwood. "Okay. Call us if you need help." Jace responded, and Alec almost felt dismissed in a way.

"Don't come back." Robert Lightwood's words was like a punch to a stomach. Just three words, three words that were so innocent by themselves, but connected together and vilified through his mouth was more painful then a lot of things Alec felt in his life.

Suddenly, the rage is back, twisting Alec's face and heart till it was unrecognizable. It felt exhilarating, to feel something other than that meaningless emptiness. It felt good to have anger running through his veins, making his blood boil and there was that feeling again, he needs to fight, he needs to bite, to _hurt. _

So Alec did. He jumped, like a bobcat tackling his prey with grace and elegance, and there was that carnal need that rushed through him when he was hunting demons. Adrenaline and sweat and mercilessness.

Over and over, Alec's fist connected with Robert's face and chest, and the sound of bones cracking and the smell of blood flowing filled the room.

Alec paused in horror as he saw the liquids dripping down his father's face, which was immediately his own down fall. Robert raised a hand and punched Alec as hard as he could, the side of his face and the majority of his cheek quickly turning red and blotchy and purple. It hurt like a motherfucker. "I'm sorry." Alec whispered, hand clutching the injury. His eyes were wide like a doe's in disbelief, like he didn'

That anger that Alec so desperately clung to was gone. Only regret, deep and bitter. Robert pushed him off as if he weighed nothing, and Alec fell to floor with a clump, his head spinning and his stomach clenching painfully as his eyes stung with tears. "You're a disgrace. I wish you were never born." His father's voice was nasally because of the fist Alec delivered to his nose. Alec felt that disgusting bone tiredness, exhaustion.

Then his father was out the door, his angry stomp and Alec was _sorry. _He completely ignored Jace and Isabelle's pleas to talk to them, to say something, because there was nothing to say. He was so sorry, so regretful and there was just no words. "Alec?" Their worried shouts just got louder and louder as the tears fell down his eyelashes, dropping on the uncarpeted floor. "Alec!"

But there were still no words, nothing to say. The bitter remorse filling up his throat till all he could get out were gasps and sobs. He dared put his hands on his father. The person he wanted to please so bad, for more than eighteen years of his life. "I'm so sorry. I'm so-" Babbling. There's still nothing he can say or do to take away that guiltiness.

He could vaguely hear Isabelle and Jace yelling at him, saying it's not his fault, that his father _deserved _it but it's not true. Not a damn word of it. It's their damn _father, _how can they say these things? How can he so ruthlessly lay hands on his father

Soon the gasps and muffled sobs gave away to tiny hiccups and the stream of tears turn into a slightly shiny trail down both cheeks. He hated it, hated crying, but it was much less destructive than the anger. Crying just showed how weak and pathetic he was, punching and kicking and fighting hurt people in a way that he never wanted to again.

Jace's eyes, in the dim lightening of Alec's room, didn't seem to have a color. They didn't look like the honey brown eyes Alec often saw, but they seemed like worried orbs of light, bright and illuminating. He's shaking Alec's shoulder as Alec just looked blankly back at him. "I'm fine."

There was that lie again that Alec couldn't help but say over and over. If he said it many times, will it finally sink in? Will he finally be _fine? _Alec wished.

He's pulled to his feet by Isabelle. "Do you still want to go with the Downworlder? You can stay here and go another day?" Isabelle asked, handing Alec a tissue to wipe his tears. He took it gratefully and rubbed his face furiously with it, wanting to dry up the tears and all evidence of his weakness as fast as possible.

"I do. I have to." Alec answered her, hating how feeble and frail his voice sounded. But he had to. He had to go with Magnus, had to move out faster, had to see what their relationship really was. He had to see if there was any chance of repairing what was broken. Isabelle and Jace both looked slightly hesitant, but quickly schooled their face into one of trust and security. Alec was too lucky to have them as siblings.

He walked over, picking up his suitcase and giving them one last shaky smile before he was out the door.

Outside, Magnus was waiting for him, sitting on the steps. He looked up as he saw Alec's face, frowned slightly and stood up. "Alec." He reached for Alec's face, the angry looking bruise standing out against Alec's fair skin.

Alec blinked at the large hands coming to cup his face, and he immediately flinched away. Magnus didn't want to touch him, no one wanted to touch someone as disgusting as him. He looked into his green-gold eyes and saw only slight irritation even when the rest of his features twisted into a hurt expression. Alec ignored it, feeling that guiltiness volcano up from earlier.

They walked in silence, and still, after all those years of pointless chatter and happiness, there was nothing to say.

* * *

"Alexander," There was that damned name again, "Please, tell me what's wrong." Magnus begged from the bed as his Shadowhunter meticulously started folding his clothes from the floor. Alec opened his mouth to say something, anything, but he couldn't think of anything to say.

"You're going to forget about me one day." Alec admitted softly, and even he was surprised with himself. He didn't dare look into Magnus' eyes as he flattened down a wrinkle on a particularly threadbare sweater. "But it's okay. Really it is." It wasn't okay. It hurt, the thought of Magnus moving on and loving another squeezed his heart till it felt like it was going to explode. He still refused to look at Magnus, putting the folded shirt into the suitcase.

"I will never, ever forget about you. All the rest of them, they never mattered next to you. I loved you the most." Magnus said and Alec knew he should be screaming and fighting. He should be asking him all sorts of questions, ranging from 'THEN WHY DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT ME ANYMORE?' to 'WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO ME ANYMORE?'. But still, he pretended he was okay, untangling his forest green shirt from Magnus' silky gold shirt that swirled in Alec's hand like water.

Still no words as his heart was pounding faster and faster against his chest. He should be jumping up in joy and laughing and being _happy _that Magnus cared enough about him to say these things. But still, none of it was real. Alec knew that.

"Alec! Please say something, my darling." Magnus begged but it was still too good to be true. Alec still didn't look into Magnus' eyes, because maybe if he didn't see that dreaded boredom, he could convince himself it was real. It didn't work.

He rubbed his hands on his thighs, staring at the large pile of clothes yet to be folded. "Nothing to say." But that was a lie. There were so many things to say, so many answers Alec needed. Alec stood up, deciding he needed a lint roller for his lintier articles of clothing. Folding clothes was easier than dealing with this. Pretending he didn't care was easier than this.

Walking to the dresser and still refusing to look at Magnus, he heard rustling from the bed. He continued digging through the drawers as if he heard nothing. Suddenly he felt the presence of somebody behind him. Magnus' hands cupped his face, forcing him to look at his face. "Alexander, please." He begged, and Alec trailed his gaze hesitantly from the cherry of Magnus' chin to his eyes. _Bored. Bored. Bored. _

"Just let me heal you, I hate seeing you hurt." The words were halfway out his mouth before blue sparks started flowing from Magnus' fingers, sucking the pain and purpleness from Alec's cheek. Magnus hated seeing him hurt. It was almost a joke, as a bruise on his cheek was a small prick next to the heaviness of Alec's heart. Alec flicked his eyes back down to the mouth cooing at him.

"Thank you." It was a diplomatic thank you, as if thanking the lady that just opened a door for you, or the cashier at the store. Nothing like a lover's thank you.

"You're worth it." Magnus replied easily, and Alec wasn't sure whose words were faker. The pain was gone and judging from the mirror, the disgusting purple and yellowness gone as well. But still Magnus refused to let go of his face. He tried tugging away, to no avail.

"Magnus, let go." Alec's voice is flat, steeling his hand around Magnus' arms and pushing at him. He refused to acknowledge the warmness surrounding him, or the smell of sandalwood and cinnamon and _home. _But still, Magnus' hands are cupped around his face, as he stared at Alec with a certain type of intensity. "Magnus, _please."_

The close proximity just reminded of Alec of what they used to be, what they are now, and what they will never be. They _were_ always caring of each other, healing each other, touching. Alec really hated the fact that this closeness that he was so used to before, just felt foreign and strange. "Alexander, please don't go." Magnus' voice is silky and soft, as if talking to a wounded animal. Alec sighed, forcefully pushing the hands away from his face.

Magnus didn't know touching him hurt. Because as soon as Alec felt those warm hands on his skin, he's only reminded of the fact that he hasn't touched him like this in a long time. That those hands that used to be a familiar presence against him now just felt foreign and strange. It hurt.

Alec sat down on the bed and rubbed his face with his hands. "No, I have to. I can't look at you right now." His voice wavered slightly, staring down on the floor. Magnus made a sort of sad hissing sigh, and Alec could see a slipper covered foot walking in front of him.

Magnus knelt down in front of Alec, again reaching up with those ringed fingers, and pulled Alec's chin up sharply. "And why is that, darling?" Alec was forced to look into those eyes, and for once, they weren't bored looking. They looked exasperated and annoyed, and Alec wasn't sure if it was better or worse than the boredom.

"Enough with the pet names, Magnus. I'm not your darling, I haven't been for a while." Alec bit his lip and tried to avoid Magnus' gaze all together. He knew in his heart of hearts, he would always end up giving Magnus what he wanted if he continued looking into those beautiful eyes.

"Nonsense," Magnus scoffed and even that was graceful sounding, "You will always be my darling." He spoke those words as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. As if he really believed it, and Alec was just tired of figuring it out anymore. Jace, Isabelle, Magnus. Alec could never tell if they were serious.

"Then why didn't you tell me about Jace and Isabelle? Why? You knew this entire time and you did-" Alec took deep breaths feeling that familiar prickle in his eyes, staring into Magnus' eyes desperately. He needed to know. He really, really did.

Magnus didn't say anything, just stared into Alec's eyes, his eyes more gold than green. "Alexander," he breathed, letting go of Alec's chin.

"Why?" Alec repeated, "You saw me cry myself to sleep for a whole year, and still yo-" Alec was silenced by Magnus' lips on his. Two hands slithered forward and held Alec's arms down as he fought to push Magnus away. Alec was pushed down onto the bed, Magnus between his legs, their lips never leaving each other's.

They were breathing the same air, and Alec felt that anger splash up to the surface again. He had to know. He _had _to. He tore his lips away from Magnus'.

"Get off." Alec's voice was breathless but hard, pushing a hand against the Warlock's pectoral, ignoring the way Magnus' heart was pounding underneath. When he didn't make any move to get off, Alec pushed harder. Magnus looked hurt, and he had no right to. "Please, Alexander." His voice was hoarse and it was an unfamiliar tone to Alec.

"No, Magnus. You can't just ignore me for the past two years and kiss me when I say I'm leaving. It just doesn't work like that." Alec rolled away from Magnus, his back facing Magnus. "I just want to know why, Magnus. Please."

"They hurt you." He said simply. "Please don't go."

Alec closed his eyes and curled his hand around the pillow he spent days crying into about his siblings. "I have to, Magnus. I can't look at you, it hurts too much." Alec repeated, blinking back the tears. Alec wanted to stay, wanted to more than anything. But thinking about those bored eyes and annoyance that twisted Magnus' face, he couldn't.

Magnus didn't say anything for a while, and their quiet breathing filled the room quickly.

Suddenly, Alec was pushed to lie flat on his back, Magnus pressing him into the mattress. "I love you." The words hurt, they hurt so bad. Alec wished he could feel butterflies in his stomach and happiness and all the emotions that come with being loved by the person you love. He hated how he only felt sadness and disbelief. He looked blankly at Magnus, face mere inches from each other's.

He ignored how fast his heart was beating, how well his body reacted to Magnus'. "I love you more than anything." And it was the truth. The truth that he hated so bad, the truth he wished wasn't. Magnus smiled at that, and it looked a bit solemn and sad. "But you're still going to go." It wasn't a question. It was a statement and Alec nodded, looking away.

Then Magnus' lips are on his neck. "No." Alec whimpered as Magnus' sticky with lip gloss mouth continued to kiss and suck at his long neck. "Please, Magnus." He paid no heed to his words, instead opting for grinding the heel of his hand into Alec's crotch. Alec moaned and curled his hands around the bedsheets.

"_Tell me to stop." _Magnus continued nuzzling and kissing at Alec's neck while simultaneously unbuttoning Alec's pants. Alec threw his head back on the pillow, loosening his hold on the sheets.

And Alec couldn't tell him to stop. He wanted to, he knew if he didn't he would end up getting hurt, but he just couldn't. This physical need and touching replaced the emptiness that only Magnus' love could fill. The words that Magnus purred at him, flowering compliments and distractions didn't feel real at all. But his touch, his warmth felt _real _as if Alec really mattered to him. But even when he felt the Warlock's lips on his, it felt strangely artificial, like a dream.

Magnus tugged Alec's pants off, leaving him in boxers and feeling extremely self-conscious. "Magnus..." Alec groaned, pushing at said Warlock's chest. He was confused. He didn't know what he wanted, didn't know if he wanted Magnus on him like this. "Please." The plea could be for more, or for him to stop, Alec just didn't know.

"I love you. I want you with me forever." Magnus whispered and that caused a pang in Alec's heart. Magnus' life would go on and on, and Alec would be lucky to live to see his thirty-fifth birthday. Shadowhunters die young, they would die happy and heroes, but Alec didn't want to die. Not without Magnus.

"No you don't." Alec whispered back, tugging his hands into Magnus' hair. Magnus didn't say anything, and that was just a testimony to Alec's truth. But for that moment, Alec couldn't bring himself to care. Not when Magnus' crotch ground sharply into his. They both groaned in unison, and for a second, Alec didn't care. He didn't care about his parents, or Jace or Isabelle, or the fact that Magnus didn't care about him beyond his body. He didn't care about anything. It was refreshing in a way, a sharp contrast to Alec's constant worrying and fretting. He just didn't care anymore.

Magnus continued his torturous grinding, rubbing his cloth covered crotch into Alec's. Then the sensation was gone, and Alec almost cried at the loss. "_Tell me to stop,"_Magnus whispered into Alec's ear, before biting at it gently. Alec shivered at the sensation.

The Warlock always did know exactly what buttons to press, how to touch Alec till he was nothing more but a whimpering mess on the bed. He always appreciated this fact, but when the thought of exactly how many people he's slept with before Alec to gain that type of experience, Alec wasn't sure anymore.

Then Alec's striped boxers are gone, leaving him bare to Magnus' hungry gaze. Alec blushed slightly at the intensity of his eyes, and moved his hand to try and cover himself. But of course, Magnus sensed his insecurity, and grabbed his hand. "You're beautiful." He whispered before pressing a kiss to the palm of Alec's hand.

Alec sighed. If he could close his eyes, he could pretend none of this was happening. That he was still healthy and happy and Magnus and him were still in love. Not this weird half almost one-sided-ness.

With no preamble, Magnus' hand was gripping Alec's warmth, pulling and squeezing till Alec was gasping for breath. He smirked as he saw the Shadowhunter fall apart on the mattress. "Feel good, sweetpea?" He teased, voice low and hot.

Alec just moaned and thrust his hips up to meet Magnus' hand. Magnus chuckled, deep and throaty. Alec felt more warmness pool in the pit of his stomach.

But soon Magnus' lack of nakedness bothered Alec. He needed to see him, had to verify that he was real, had to bask in Magnus' beauty. He sat up, pulling Magnus' tight shirt over his head and he gasped at what he found.

A hickey the size of a quarter sat above one perky nipple that obviously wasn't Alec's doing. He looked up slowly from the teethed bruise to Magnus' face. "Alec, wait." Magnus looked desperate, the lust induced cloudiness soon disappeared from his eyes, replaced easily with panic. Not that Alec got to see it.

But it was too late. Alec grabbed a sheet and damn near ran to the en-suite bathroom. He was so stupid. So, so stupid.

Thedoor locked with a sharp _click. _He wrapped the sheet around himself, the tears already falling. He ignored the banging on the door, ignored Magnus shouting his name, shouting apologies. And of course, Alec had no right to be crying. Because he should've known.

The tears streamed down faster and faster, and Alec felt dirty. Dirty and used. And so, so stupid.

**A/N 2: Well that was kind of bad and not at all what you were suspecting huh. I'm not happy with this chapter, but it'll have to do. -sigh- **

**(Theres probably a bajillionkazillion mistakes in this one, I blame it on my fever-induced blurriness.)**

**I hope that was good enough, and I am happy to say that WE HIT 70 REVIEWS! But keep them coming ;) **


	6. Reason Six

**A/N 1: Hey guys! This chapter is especially cheesy, so ummm beware, I guess? And please don't hate me for that extremely long hiatus… Pwease? With an Alec on top? **

**Some of this is Magnus POV, and the change between Alec's and his is super subtle, so watch for it. **

The edge of the smooth bathtub was cool against Alec's cheek as he leaned against it. The tears have long dried up, the only evidence of his breakdown were his puffy eyes and the tears that wet the pale yellow sheet wrapped around his shoulders.

His head pounded painfully against his skull and his chest hurt with a certain type of soreness. And his stomach, _Angel, _his stomach. It throbbed and lurched and flipped painfully all over the place. He wasn't sure if it was his disease, or the remnants of his pathetic sobbing. "Alec, please come out. _Please." _Magnus whispered from the door, barely audible in the echo of the bathroom.

Alec should've known. He should've known. The purple bruise sitting perfectly on Magnus' chest was ingrained into his memory. It was faded at the edges, as if it was an old bruise. That meant it had happened a long time ago. Which meant it has been going on for a while.

Honestly, Alec _really _should've known. The sudden protectiveness of his phone, the midnight 'clients', it all made sense. And part of him, part of him already knew. But he refused to believe, and that was his own damn fault.

That pain that struck his heart in angry bursts now dulled into a sort of sort ache. Like instead of the blade stabbing into him, the blunt side of the knife pressed against him into a sort of painful soreness. It's almost like he has gone numb, all the pain and senses reduced into a blur of emptiness and confusion.

Magnus was still outside the door, his soft breathing just in the distant background. And Alec, he was so _done. _

He wished he would feel betrayal, like the stereotypical jealous shrew that found out about his lover's unfaithfulness. But all he could feel was deservedness, and stupidity, because he already known. He couldn't cry about the fact that Magnus' heart was not his, because he already known. It was never his, anyways.

"Please come out, Alexander!" Magnus called and Alec, he half-smiled sadly. The fact that Magnus cared so much kind of warmed his heart.

He stood up on two shaky legs, and the yellow sheet that wrapped around his pale frame fell and trailed on the floor in elegant cascades. It mocked him in a way. He was always extremely fond of this set of sheets, but immediately, the thought of another rolling around in it with Magnus forced him to shudder and remove the idea completely from his mind.

The cold floor that Alec padded on gently was spinning as he made his way to the door. He can do this. Just get his stuff and bolt. No need for talking. No need for talking. He's fine. He's _fine. _

The doorknob was firm and comforting as Alec gripped it tightly. He was ready. He's stronger than this. No need to hide. With one last regretful look into the mirror with millions of pots of glitter and cosmetics in front of it, Alec turned the knob and pushed.

And there was Magnus. He was staring up at the ceiling as if there was some supernatural force residing there to provide him with the strength to go on. Alec cleared his throat awkwardly, pulling the sheet closer to his body, feeling extremely awkward and pained. Magnus' gaze immediately shot down to look at him. "Alec, I'm sorry. Please, let me explain." He pleaded, and Alec tried to delude himself away from the honesty in the Warlock's eyes.

Alec looked away, turning his head away from Magnus to stare determinedly at the pile of clothes yet to be folded. "It's—" Alec had every intention of saying 'fine, okay, whatever', but this time, this time the words couldn't come out. Because it was the furthest thing from fine or okay or 'whatever'.

The sentence was left unfinished as Alec started to push past Magnus to the messy disarray of his clothes lying on the bed, a sharp reminder of the mistake Alec made. His world was crashing down on him faster and faster, and he just wanted it all to _stop. _

_"_Alec, listen to me. Please." Magnus voice was increasingly desperate from behind him, but all Alec focused on was collecting his clothes that were thrown aside carelessly in their bouts of pleasure. "Just stop, Magnus." Alec whispered softly, with no conviction, and Magnus just stared for a second, the words not sinking in.

Alec, hunched over onto the bed was beautiful. His hair fell into his face in soft strands that Magnus just wanted to run his fingers into. His cheeks were flushed softly in the bright light of the bedroom and _god, _those eyes. They were large and impossibly blue, even with the slight bags under them, and the little bit of puffiness, they were stunning.

And Magnus, he just felt like a douchebag, the hickey throbbing uncomfortably on his chest. He's a damn warlock; he should've healed it before Alexander caught on. But honestly, this was probably better. Because Alec needed to see, needed to break up with him. Magnus didn't deserve Alec. He really didn't.

"Turn around." Alec's voice cut through the tension like a knife. Magnus blinked, but obeyed anyways. The sound of rustling filled his ears and Magnus realized Alec was putting on clothes. "Okay, you can turn back around." Alec's voice is quiet, and Magnus does as he's told.

Alec was sitting on the bed on the corner furthest from Magnus, with his hands balled up together on his lap. He looked tired, like he hasn't slept in years. He's slumped over, and he looked skinnier, his collarbone jutting out in a way that Magnus hasn't seen before.

Magnus really shouldn't try to make this better. Magnus really should Alec have an angry fit and dump him like the pathetic Downworlder he was. But he couldn't because now Magnus couldn't picture his life without his insecure little Nephilim, couldn't live without him. So, like the selfish asshole he is, he tried to make himself sound charming, seducing Alec into forgetting, into forgiving.

"Alec, can we please talk about this?" Magnus asked imploringly, coming around to Alec tentatively. Alec looked at his hands, still refusing to look at Magnus. Alec looked older now, more mature. But most of all, bone tired.

Alec refused to acknowledge Magnus, his eyes completely away from Magnus. He was hurt, obviously and if that didn't cause sharp shocks of anger and regret stab at Magnus' conscious, nothing will.

And it was all Magnus' fault. He should've have let that werewolf who wasn't worth anything cut away the last strand holding together their relationship. He didn't even sleep with him, not really. He got that hickey and made out but as soon as the girl tried to unbuckle his belt, Magnus just couldn't do it.

"I'm sorry." Alec and Magnus said in unison. They both flinched up to look at each other in astonishment.

"Why would you be sorry, swe—" Magnus immediately cut himself off. Alec doesn't want him calling him pet names. Whatever Alec wants. His voice was soft as if talking to a trapped animal, or a small child. And Alec's eyes stared at him in an emotion Magnus couldn't place.

"Because I don't deserve you. Yet I tied you down. All these years, you were unhappy. And I'm sorry." His voice is barely audible and his eyes are seriously the window to his soul because there it is, regret and sorrow and fucking _guilt, _all wrapped up under a thin veil of blue and beautiful. And Magnus felt it, felt his heart thrum erratically in his chest in some kind of foreign emotion that he doesn't remember ever feeling.

"No," Magnus breathed softly, his voice rough and sagged, none like the beautiful and exotic purr that Alec was so used to hearing come out of those pink plump lips. "It's my fault, don't blame my…" Magnus searched for a word, but none could fit, "mistakes on yourself. This is on me."

And Alec's eyes went wide, the whites of his eyes completely surrounding his irises. "Don't say that. Don't ever say that." Alec snapped harshly, surprising even himself. "You're perfect. You've always been perfect."

Then silence, because Magnus felt it. Because this wasn't a guilt trip, this wasn't some trick to make Magnus feel bad about himself, this is Alec, perfect insecure Alec. Who is so self-unaware, selfless and extroverted. Perfect.

"And me," Alec sighed softly, barely more than a shaky exhale. Magnus could only focus on how _broken _he sounded. "I'm a horrible person. I'm a fuck up. And the fact that you dealt with me for all these years," Another pause as if it was hard to go on, "Thanks." Then a smile that could pause the whole world.

Staring at Alec, Magnus felt helpless. He felt desperate and angry with himself and staring at Alec, perfect Alec who loved him unconditionally for all these years, he's a horrible person.

All Magnus' life, he's known love to be fleeting and temporary, a flash of something special that sinks back into the ground some time later. He's been monogamous in the past, of course he has, but none made him feel like without them, there is no future worth seeing. All relationships were impermanent, fugitive bouts of laughter and happy memories that just disappear. And he was fine with that; he was fine with having multiple lovers at the same time, fie with getting together with someone only to break up a week later.

Then Alec comes, with his stupid baggy sweaters and beautiful blue eyes, and now, Magnus' entire life was thrown upside down. Now, he has no want or need to go after another, or find multiple people to keep his interest. Because Alec, he's perfect and never has Magnus ever felt genuinely bored with him.

"But still, I hate you sometimes." Alec continued softly and Magnus cocked his head to the side, swallowing the hurt. "I hate that I love every little thing about you. I hate how different you make me. How happy."

"Oh, Alexander." Magnus breathed, eyes going wide and soft and glittery and it hurt for Alec to look any longer, so his eyes tilted downward.

"You changed me and affected me more than anyone I've ever known." He said firmly, truthfully.

"Please, just _stop._" Alec snapped, but there was no conviction. His voice sounded gruff and old, a whole lot older than he really was. And Magnus has never felt that sorry, that regretful. "Because you won't remember me. Not in ten years. Not in twenty. Not in two hundred."

He could count on one hand how many times he has felt this kind of guilt, this apologetic feeling. Magnus wasn't used to it at all, and it made him severely uncomfortable and out of his own skin, and it was supremely uncharacteristic.

"You're wrong. Because I'll love you in ten years. I'll love you in twenty. And I'll love you in two hundred." Magnus replied simply, as if it was common knowledge. And it was in a way, because it was the truth that anyone with eyes could see. Anyone could see the artificiality of the boredom that he forced himself to feel. Anyone could see how he looked at Alec with a type of love people see in people married for decades. Anyone but Alec.

Because Magnus was the final cut into a long wound that hacked away Alec's self worth, that blinded him from seeing the beauty every time he looked in the mirror, and made himself refuse to believe Magnus' words, made himself conceive the false boredom in the Warlock's behavior as true and real. And it was all Magnus' fault.

And he was so sorry.

"No you won't!" Alec hissed suddenly, all passiveness, all tiredness completely gone. And it took Magnus by surprise as he looked up suddenly. "You won't because you're bored of me Magnus. I see it in your eyes, despite any words that fall out of your mouth. You're bored. And that's not love, Magnus. And I don't know why you're trying to convince me otherwise, just stop. Because it hurts. More than anything."

And at this point, Magnus is just staring at him because he was so far from the truth. Because Magnus loves Alec. Really loves him, and the fact that his love was being questioned, that Alec's heart is even more broken than his, it's on him. It's his own damn fault.

And Alec, he's clutching the wall that he had backed up to desperately. He was pale and off in color, and his lips were too red against his cheeks and he looked pained, and Magnus doubted it was just because of their conversation that dealt with a couple too true truths.

"I love you." Magnus said walking slowly towards him, wanting to hug him and kiss his forehead and brush that one strand out of his eyes that didn't want to swing like the rest of them. He wanted to feel Alec's cheek in his palm, wanted to feel his lips on his and wanted to feel the heartbeat slowly speed up under Magnus' palm. He wanted it all.

"Don't say that. Stop saying it." Alec said again, and his voice was harsh and powerful yet strangely weak. His face is absolutely bare of color, slightly ashy and a little tinge of green, but undetectable in the florescence of the room, washing everything into a muted tone.

And Magnus is worried, really worried that there's something wrong. Something Alec's not saying or showing. "No, I won't. I won't stop. Not now, and not in a hundred years. I'll say it until you believe me. Because it's true. I love you. I love you. I love you." Over and over, Magnus repeated it, taking tentative steps closer and closer.

Color is slowly returning to Alec's face, his cheeks coloring slowly, a blotch at a time. "I love you too. You know that. And I thought—All this time, I thought you knew and you were mocking me."

Magnus shook his head immediately, his ungelled hair hitting the sides of his face gently, it was an unusual feeling, he felt almost naked with his hair undid and his makeup minimal.

Alec continued. "And all this time, it was like those sappy romance novels. That that one person who makes you different, makes you want to be different is finally here and everything else just looked insignificant. You've changed me. You made me happy, even if we didn't talk anymore. Even if you didn't look at me. Because when I look at you, I'm _different._"

And it felt like Alec was describing his own emotions. "You've changed me even more than you know, Alexander. Through my long life, I've dated many people. Many people who dressed interestingly to stand out , who lived interesting lives that painted history in bright colors. I chased interesting." Magnus paused and looked at Alec meaningfully, and his response was a tight unreadable smile.

"Because I was scared of getting bored. So I slept around, had multiple lovers who all dressed in bright funky colors, who all looked interesting. Because I couldn't bare the thought of being bored. 'Having sex with the same person over and over would get boring, would it not' I would think to myself. "

Alec blushed bright scarlet at that, his innocence a quirk that lacked in most of his past lovers.

"And monogamy just didn't seem such a good idea to me. That having one lover couldn't possibly be better than having five. Five who had interesting lives and dressed in interesting colors and were beautifully interesting."

Alec didn't know what to make of that. "So you think I'm boring." He said flatly. And Magnus just shook his head profusely again.

"No, because then _you_ come into my life in your stupid ugly sweaters, messy hair and you just seemed boring boring boring. But then I looked into your eyes, that first time, and I knew you were special. And you didn't need to have electric blue tights on for me to see that." Magnus grinned and he approached Alec, closing the last couple of feet between them, and then he could feel the soft skin of Alec's cheek under his hand, and he could see the adorable tiniest smidgeon of a birthmark that sat just at the side of Alec's throat.

"You're different than anyone I've ever had, Alec. And all those little quirks that I would've hated on anyone else, is what I loved the most about you. The way you're scared of spiders, or the way you dress, no matter how ugly, the way you drink your coffee with no sugar or milk. All these things that I would've found insanely annoying on anyone else, it's adorable on you. And then I couldn't see living without you. I really couldn't." Magnus paused as Alec opened his eyes to their complete capacity; the royal deep blue Magnus saw constantly transforming into a softer more icy blue.

And Alec was ridiculously beautiful. And suddenly, Magnus realized even if Alec was ninety and old and wrinkled, he would still be beautiful. Because he would still be Alec. And Alec, no matter how he looks, is beautiful. "Magnus, you can't just say all these things when I'm about to leave. Because your words now, they scare me. Because one part of me, I want to believe you so bad, but when I think of-" Alec swallowed and raised a shaky hand to rest softly on Magnus' chest, on that small bruise just north of his nipple. "I just don't know. I really just don't." Alec said softly and Magnus swallowed, and once again, he was reminded with just how he screwed up.

"Please let me continue." Magnus said pleadingly, and smiled a wide regretful smile as Alec nodded slowly, and didn't pull away from the hand Magnus had on his cheek. "And I was scared, Alec. Because I didn't want to accept just how much you changed me. I knew I was supposed to feel bored, supposed to feel like this much time we've been together should make me pine for another, but it didn't. So I tried to convince myself that I was bored, and I tried to distance myself from you.

And then I started thinking into our future. That when you—" Magnus paused again, this conversation getting harder and harder to push out. "pass on, I'll be alone. And I wouldn't want anyone else. And once you die, I think I would too. And that's terrifying. Because I would have to continue living, and I know I wouldn't get better. That's how gone I am for you, Alec. I'm selfish, I know I am.

So I tried to push myself further and further away form you, and I tried to make you hate me, so you would break off from me and go find yourself some mortal who you can love and who will love you and you two can grow old together, and forget about me. Because you deserve that. But time turned me into a selfish bastard, and I just couldn't break it off with you. Because I need you so much. Please, don't go." Magnus whispered and he can feel a strange prickle in his eye that he hasn't felt in at least three decades.

Tears, he realized. He hadn't cried in a long time.

Alec sighed and reached a hand to Magnus' face. With a gentle touch, he wiped away the first tear that slid out Magnus' eye. "Don't cry. I understand now, Magnus. I really do. But sometimes, actions speak louder than words." He said in a voice that didn't sound like Alec.

And Magnus was scared that he granted himself his own stupid wish. Alec might leave him and fall in love with another while he is forever haunted by the memory of Alec and their years together. "Let me show you. I'll spend forever showing you if I have to. But you're worth it. Touching you is worth it. Waking up every morning in your arms is worth it. Seeing you smile is worth it." Magnus said vehemently, and when Alec moved to take his hand away, Magnus moved his to clap onto of it. He didn't want Alec to move, because his touch made everything better.

Alec searched his face in a seemingly indecisive way. Alec was hiding something from him and Magnus was surprisingly nervous. "Alec, what's wrong, darling? You seem… like you have something to tell me." Magnus watched as Alec's face transformed his skin going back to the ill white color and throat bobbing in a seemingly uncomfortable way as he swallowed.

"Magnus I—" Alec couldn't continue as his stomach gave a wild lurch, his spine bending in a way that Magnus knew wasn't good. And then he ran, pushing past Magnus to the bathroom, leaving the Warlock stunned completely.

The sound of retching and chokes sounded off in the distance and Magnus moved immediately, following Alec to the bathroom.

He's sprawled in front of the toilet bowl, retching and sobbing as tears leaked out of his eyes that Magnus is sure isn't because of sadness. He's clutching the toilet with one hand, the other pressing on his stomach, but at a weird place. Because it's not the pit of his stomach, in front of the bellybutton, but right above, under the ribcage.

"Magnus…" He croaked out and Magnus was suddenly there, one hand at Alec's back the other on top of Alec's own hand on his stomach.

"What is it? What's wrong?" He asked tormented, because with one eye, Magnus could tell it wasn't just some minor stomachache that'll pass. It's something worse, much worse. And he was scared.

Alec gave another coughing gag, and Magnus had to look away slightly. Then the Shadowhunter turned two tearful eyes around at Magnus, and all Magnus wanted to do was gather the Nephilim into his arms and just hold him close forever. "I think I'm gonna die." He whispered hoarsely, eyes completely sunk in.

And Magnus' whole world came crashing down.

* * *

"I'm worried. I shouldn't be worried but I'm really worried." Isabelle paced back and forth in front of Jace, who sat calmly on the windowsill of his room. Jace rolled his eyes in semi-annoyance, head still spinning in light of recent events.

The Institute is what he considered his home. Ever since he was eleven, it was his home. Not Valentine or the Wayland estates, they never meant home to him, just where he spent his childhood. Because people is what truly made a home. Clary was his home. Where she goes, he goes. Isabelle, Alec and Max were his home. And suddenly the winding hallways of the Institute got suffocating. It was almost unbearable to be on edge at all times as he walked in the halls.

Because the Institute used to be his place to unwind, where he could relax without the threat of demons and monsters. But now, there was a constant unsetting feeling following him everywhere, listening for yelling and soft footsteps and the deep voice of Robert Lightwood.

"Why are you worried?" Jace asked as he reclined back onto the window, staring wistfully out of it, focused on some bird chirping prettily on a telephone line. Isabelle looked up from the floor, seemingly stuck in her thoughts. "What?" She asked, not paying attention to him apparently.

"Why are you worried?" Jace repeated, this time notably sharper, and Isabelle's lips fell open softly in disbelief.

"Alec, Jace, Alec!" Isabelle hissed smacking him on his arm. Jace rolled his golden eyes, and right now he didn't want to be trapped in the Institute, he dreamed of green eyes and a freckled face and long red hair. Instead he's listening to the hushed yelling next door of Robert and Maryse and he's just sick of it all.

"Why? He'll be fine. He's always fine." Jace's voice is laid back, and that just kept the fuel in Isabelle's tank going longer.

"No, he's not! Did you see him today? He thinks it's his fault our _damn _parents treat him like that. He's sorry, Jace. Sorry for finally giving that monster what he deserved. And now he's off with some shady Warlock whom Alec's obviously terrified of. Not to mention that strange illness that obviously isn't some minor stomachache. Is that fine? Is it?" Isabelle yelled at him, her pale face growing redder and redder by the second.

And Jace is half stunned. To Jace, Alec was always fine, always putting aside his personal woes in favor of helping Jace with his increasingly dramatic family issues. He's never not been fine, he's always been a stable constant in Jace's life and hearing the words come out of his sister's mouth, he doesn't know how to react.

Jace felt selfish in a way, like after Alec helped him through the times in his life where he didn't even know who he was as a person, but he completely glossed over any problems Alec's had.

"No, Isabelle, it's not. But I really doubt Alec wants to be treated like this right now. Stop worrying. Here, take this. Call him or something." Jace said, softening his tone of voice. He threw his phone to Isabelle with a certain type of graceful ease.

"Okay. Okay." Isabelle wiped away the beginnings of tears, sniffling delicately and pushing buttons on Jace's cellphone.

Soft knocks sliced through the silence like a knife. "Isabelle, Jonathan?" Maryse's voice was soft and delicate yet somehow hoarse, like she's been crying.

Jace huffed slightly and looked at Isabelle questioningly. She jerked her head a couple times, motioning for him to go check it out. "Go see what she wants." She mouthed, before pulling the phone to her ear. Calling Alec, right.

The blond haired Nephilim strutted slowly to the door, but didn't open it. "What in Angel's name could you _possibly _want now?" Jace asked her in lazy condescendence. He heard her labored breathing and pressed his lips softly together, keeping himself together.

"I just—I mean, can we talk?" She asked for the seemingly fiftieth time to any of her children.

"Why?" Jace asked her, genuinely wanting to know.

"Because I want my children to talk to me. I want a relationship with you three, that's why!" Maryse wailed and it would almost be comical how out of character it was.

"We're not your children, Maryse. You don't treat your kids like that." Jace replied, and turned his back on his door to watch Isabelle listen to the dial tone as she called Alec.

"Please, Jace! Let me in!" She pounded on the door. Jace disregarded her distastefully.

"Is he answering?" Jace asked Isabelle and she shook her head.

"I tried three times. Hold on." Isabelle pressed her lips together. "Go deal with her." She told him and Jace frowned.

"Go away, Maryse. Neither me or Isabelle have any interest in talking to you." Jace said from the door.

"Fine. Fine." Maryse muttered before they here a soft scratching noise. Isabelle cocked her head to the side. "Wait, he answered!" Isabelle said. "Hello? Alec?" She asked tentatively. No reply. "Alec? Alec!" She called.

Soft rustling. "Hello?" Magnus voice is pained and desperate.

"Magnus? What's wrong?" Isabelle sat up in her chair. "Magnus?"

"It's Alec." He whispered.

The door flew open to reveal Maryse with a _stele _in hand. Jace glowered at her, readying his fists against his chest.

"Alec? What's wrong?" Isabelle asked, extremely panicked.

"What about Alec?" Maryse asked sharply, eyes completely wide.

"Magnus? Magnus? Magnus!" Isabelle yelled into the phone, but the sound of the dial tone filled her ear.

"What's wrong?" Jace asked softly, but with an edge of panic that every person in the room was feeling. What if it was something serious? What if Alec was _dead? _That thought lit up Jace's mind and he was completely disgusted with even thinking it. It made his heart be unnervingly faster and faster, because he's worried and _scared. _It's an extremely unfamiliar feeling, that terror. He could take nervousness or even panic, but scarcely did he ever feel _scared. _

But Isabelle just shook her head. Because she had no idea. Not a damn clue.

**A/N: Yipee! Finally done! I actually love this chapter, as I had a great jolly time getting drunk off red bull and writing the extremely cheesy-harlequin-novel-esque monologue that Magnus said to Alec. It wasn't supposed to be that fun. Really. **

**I think I have some weird thing for clichés. I need help, I really do. Well, I hope you're not completely put off by my childish foolishly romantic writing, and have a great day. **

**(P.S 90 reviews is absolutely INSANE. I love you guys to the moon and back, you know?) **


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